IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

At the present time, the populatiom of some countries includes a reltaively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweight disadvantages?

#time #populatiom #countries #adults #people #advantage #situation #outweight
Population in the world is increasing over time, but in certain cases, some countries have more young
adults
 compared to older people.
While
 it brings numerous drawbacks, there are significant benefits of
this
 situation for some reasons that are set up below.
To begin
 with, having more young
adults
 can have some drawbacks. In fact, they have less experience compared to the elderly.
Therefore
, the results achieved by youngsters in the workplace and community will be less effective and efficient. Other than that, they may have different personalities and backgrounds
due to
 new trends and different generations.
For instance
, younger generations tend to grow in a peaceful era, so they may struggle
in working
Change preposition
to work
show examples
 effectively in an overpressured environment.
Hence
, companies and older people need to understand how to approach them properly in order to provide better communication and relationships.
However
, with a proper education system and guidance, young
adults
 can be prepared to replace old people who will soon have their retirement.
Thus
, the nation does not have to worry about searching for replacements.
For example
, right now Japan is struggling to find replacements
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 manpower in workplaces and government positions because the intensity of the younger generations outweighs the elderly.
As a result
, Japan provides many scholarship exchange programs and international internship programs to invite more young
adults
 from other countries to help them manage companies and communities to grow Japan’s economy.
To conclude
, despite the existence of the drawbacks of having
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 number of young
adults
 population, I believe the benefits are far superior because youngsters provide more manpower for the future of the country.
Submitted by kelly on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To strengthen your coherence and cohesion, aim to provide more clear and consistent connections between ideas and paragraphs. You may also want to transition more smoothly between points.
task achievement
Ensure that all examples and points clearly and directly relate to the essay prompt. This will help make your arguments more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your arguments.
relevant specific examples
You offered specific examples to support your points, which strengthen your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • workforce participation
  • economic growth
  • innovation
  • vocational training
  • dependency ratio
  • healthcare resources
  • unemployment rate
  • social dynamics
  • cultural vibrancy
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!