IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Others think they should begin after 7 years of age. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #education #age #years
In
this
 era, evidence shows schools allow
children
 who are under 7 years of
age
to begin
 their formal
education
. It appears that some people argue that
this
 phenomenon should not be happening.
This
 essay attempts to shed light on both arguments of
this
 tendency. First and foremost, sending
children
 to
school
 at an early
age
 can be advantageous to some extent. In some regions,
school
 starts to allow young students to get a formal
education
to begin
 their
education
 journey at an early
age
. It's believed that the early
age
 of
education
 can merit the growth of intelligence more easily rather than at a late
age
.
For example
, the Citra Bangsa
School
 which is located in Jakarta, accept students without any
age
 limit requirement and
children
 under 7 years old can begin their
education
 at
school
.
On the other hand
, there is a possibility that formal
school
 can negatively affect
children
's mental, especially
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a very early
age
, considering their level of maturity and intelligence. Formal
education
 requires students to study under many factors of pressure.
For instance
, there was a case that
children
 at a young
age
 had depression because of the pressure from studying at
school
. Parents should consider the level of maturity and intelligence of their
children
 before sending them to get a formal
education
 to prevent them from depression. I
also
 believe that
this
 approach should be well acknowledged by parents in society to reduce the amount of the same cases
might
Correct pronoun usage
that might
show examples
 appear in the future. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that the ubiquity of formal
education
 at an early
age
 to some extent, I believe that
children
 under 7 years of
age
 should not get a formal
education
 at
school
.
Submitted by muhammad.alfarasyi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay could benefit from more specific examples and studies supporting each viewpoint to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Ensure that each point is thoroughly developed with clear and comprehensive ideas to improve overall clarity.
coherence cohesion
Maintain consistent logical structure within paragraphs to preserve the flow of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the use of cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly and maintain readers' engagement.
task achievement
The writer presents both views on the topic of formal education starting age, showing an understanding of the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The example of Citra Bangsa School adds a specific instance to illustrate the point made about early education.
coherence cohesion
The transition words and phrases, such as 'First and foremost' and 'On the other hand,' aid in guiding the reader through the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • social skills
  • lifelong love for learning
  • undue pressure
  • young minds
  • emotionally and socially
  • less structured environment
  • play-based learning
  • crucial
  • long-term academic performance
  • well-being
  • balancing early education
  • flexibility
  • best approach
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!