IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Children
 are the buds of the society. Some people have the notion that
children
 should be competitive
while
 others say they should be cooperative.
This
 essay will endorse that
competition
 and working with their peers play equal roles in bringing up a child.
Greater
Correct article usage
The greater
show examples
 the competitive behaviour, the greater the achievement.
Competition
 is the motivation for improvement and it makes them work harder.
For instance
, exams for doctors are very competitive,
thus
 filtering the best of
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 individuals to attain the job.
Children
 can not only compete with others but
also
 with themselves, conditioning them to outperform themselves in many aspects. They can set goals and break
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 in the days to come and perfect whatever their goal is.
Competition
 between each other makes
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
break their mental barrier and instil better ranks. Working as a group
also
 has its benefits. When more minds are involved the efficiency and the result is greater.
For example
, a 2014 study says that
children
 working in a group have far better results and a
fast
Correct word choice
faster
show examples
 gain in knowledge than
children
 working individually. When
children
 work with their colleagues, there is an exchange of knowledge
whereas
 working alone does not. Cooperation is a skill that all
children
 should master as it is the bedrock for efficiency and knowledge.
This
 essay
explained
Wrong verb form
explains
show examples
 the benefits of
competition
 and cooperation. I believe that both skills should be taught because both of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 the
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
learn faster and it’s the motivation to thrive.
Competition
 with cooperation becomes a bullet-proof method to better themselves.
Submitted by sajeendranrajakumar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides a balanced opinion, which is good for task response. However, your conclusion is very brief and should include a summary of the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
The essay lacks some clarity in ideas, especially in the introduction where 'This essay will endorse that competition and working with their peers play equal roles in bringing up a child.' could be more clearly stated. Improve clarity in your statements by ensuring each sentence contributes directly to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay’s logical structure can be enhanced. Consider organizing each paragraph with a clear main idea, supported by evidence and reasoning. This makes your argument more coherent. For instance, you could clearly separate the benefits of competition and cooperation with distinct points.
coherence cohesion
The transition between ideas is a bit abrupt. Use better transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly. For example, instead of starting a new paragraph with 'Working as a group also has its benefits,' you could say 'On the other hand, cooperation has its own advantages' to better connect the ideas.
task achievement
You have a good understanding of the topic and address both views, which indicates a strong comprehension of the task.
task achievement
You included relevant examples to support your points, such as the competitive exams for doctors and the 2014 study on group work. This helps in illustrating your arguments effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
What to do next:
Look at other essays: