IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people believe that Art and Music should be dropped from school curriculums in favour of more practical subjects, such as Information Technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, the content of educational curriculums has become a heated topic of debate. Some people believe that
schools
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 should prioritize more practical
subjects
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,
such
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 as Information
Technology
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 , over non-academic
subjects
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such
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 as
Art
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 and
Music
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. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both perspectives and argue that
schools
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 should retain
Art
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 and
Music
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 in their programs.
Art
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 and
Music
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 help children improve their creativity.
For example
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,
students
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 might use their imagination to draw pictures and compose
music
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, which allows them to explore their feelings and express themselves.
As a result
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, some
students
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 might discover their talents in these areas and pursue their dreams of becoming artists.
Additionally
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, learning
art
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 and
music
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 could reduce stress from academic studies. These
subjects
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 allow
students
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 to express their feelings without worrying about grades, making them feel relaxed and happy.
Consequently
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, engaging in
art
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 and
music
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 might improve
students
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' mental health and reduce some academic stress.
On the other hand
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, some people argue that
schools
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 should focus on more practical
subjects
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,
such
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 as information
technology
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, to prepare
students
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 for their future careers.
For instance
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, a student who aspires to be a computer engineer may not need to study non-academic
subjects
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such
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 as
art
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 and
music
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 but should
instead
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 focus on their career-relevant
subjects
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such
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 as computer programming, coding or digital
technology
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.
This
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 focus might help them achieve their goal and align with job market demands. Ultimately, learning practical
subjects
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 might increase employability after graduation.
For example
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, many companies seek candidates with information technological skills
such
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 as digitalization, infographics and data analysis, which are crucial in today’s digital society.
As a result
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, candidates with these skills might attract employers more easily than those without them.
Therefore
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,
schools
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 should equip children with
technology
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 knowledge. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the content of educational institutions should balance academic and non-academic
subjects
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 to enhance
students
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’
overall
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 development. It is crucial for
schools
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 to provide both types of
subjects
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 to boost student's well-being and equip them with diverse skills for their future success.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the task by examining both perspectives thoroughly and effectively arguing for the inclusion of Art and Music in school curriculums. For an even higher score, consider offering more depth in the counterargument or additional relevant examples.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, showing a strong understanding of the topic. To further improve, you could work on including a few more specific examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow. This will help in maintaining coherence throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is supported with relevant arguments and examples, showing a good level of coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
You demonstrated a thorough understanding of the task by providing a balanced discussion of both viewpoints.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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