IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individuals can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that the state can bring
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of changes in the locality
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
specific
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
 person can do it as well.
This
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 essay will discuss
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 agree that only
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can amend
such
Linking Words
situation
Correct article usage
a situation
show examples
 for its persons.
Firstly
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,
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of revenue is collected by the
government
Use synonyms
that is
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 taken back to the society in form of cheap
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 to the
commondities
Correct your spelling
communities
 used in our
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 life.
This
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 helps everyone despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 status because they can afford anything they need.
for instance
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, a study conducted at the University of Nairobi in 2000 on
impact
Add an article
the impact
show examples
 of the
government
Use synonyms
 on
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 showed that it played a vital role towards making goods and services available and accessible to everyone.
Thus
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, individuals look
upon
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the authority to offer assistance to them.
In addition
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, there are
set
Verb problem
apply
show examples
rules and regulations set to govern how
people
Use synonyms
 should live and relate with each other. If one does not follow them, they qualify to be arrested for breaking the law.
This
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 helps the society to live together in peace and harmony
as well as
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 reduce cases of
insecurities
Fix the agreement mistake
insecurity
show examples
. All those who ensure the rules are followed to the
latter
Correct your spelling
letter
show examples
 are paid by the
government
Use synonyms
 and
this
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 helps every person equally.
Further
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, if it was for
people
Use synonyms
 to initiate the same, there would be no funds to cover
for
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apply
show examples
all the expenses for the employees.
Therefore
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,
this
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 means that only the
government
Use synonyms
 can save its
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, despite many
people
Use synonyms
 thinking that they
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
can help each other, the
government
Use synonyms
 has a vital role
to offer
Change preposition
in offering
show examples
 help to everyone
due to
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 the
availabilty
Correct your spelling
availability
 of funds which many
people
Use synonyms
 do not have.

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coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized, but there are areas to improve for better flow and clarity. For example, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay question.
task achievement
Make sure to fully develop your ideas. While you have included some examples, more specific and detailed examples would better support your argument.
coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity, pay close attention to grammar and punctuation. Correcting small errors will help your points to be more easily understood.
task achievement
Be mindful of vocabulary and phrasing. Some phrases can be refined for more academic tone, such as 'a lot' to 'a significant amount' or 'amend such situation' to 'effect meaningful changes'.
task achievement
The essay clearly takes a stance and answers the question directly, providing a solid base for the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly identified and effectively frame the essay's argument, giving it a complete structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • society
  • government
  • changes
  • influence
  • policies
  • laws
  • intervention
  • societal issues
  • collective action
  • progress
  • development
  • harmonious
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