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Band 4.5

Some people think the the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, instead of benefiting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #individuals
Some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that the main aim of
schools
 is to turn pupils into good people and workers ,
instead
 of helping them as individuals . I strongly believe that the main
purose
Correct your spelling
purpose
 of
schools
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 to provide all sorts of help to build their career of choice rather than focus on developing them as good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 which I believe
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 of
parents
 .
To begin
 with ,
schools
 play a vital
role
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 growth of
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
.
In other words
 ,
schools
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
children
 in various activities so that find out their inner talent and
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 their skill set in it .
For example
 , all
children
 have their own speciality and the
role
 of the teachers
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 to enhance the productivity inside
kidz
Change the capitalization
Kidz
show examples
 by improving their
weakness
Fix the agreement mistake
weaknesses
show examples
 and
direct
Correct word choice
directing them
show examples
 to
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 path for their career goals
such
 as
child
Add an article
a child
the child
show examples
 who
like
Correct subject-verb agreement
likes
show examples
 to participate in a
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activity
then
 it is
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
show examples
 of school
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 teacher to provide all kind of help that child needs. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand,
parents
 play
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 essential
role
to turn
Change preposition
in turning
show examples
 their
kids
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 better citizens .
In other words
 , it all depends on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 environment at home .If
children
brought
Add a missing verb
are brought
show examples
 up by watching their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 positive behavior
then
 most likely those
kids
naturally
Add a missing verb
are naturally
show examples
 good citizens .
Also
,
punchuality
Correct your spelling
punctuality
 and time management are the basic skills that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
 learn from their
parents
 and these manners will apply
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 environment too .
For example
 ,
children
 who
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
 in bad conditions
such
 as one of the
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 makes money
illegaly
Correct your spelling
illegally
then
 kid most likely to follow
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 path in the future . In conclusion , some
states
Fix the agreement mistake
state
show examples
 that the main aim of the
schools
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 to teach
kids
 to become good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 and workers
instead
 of benefiting them as individuals .
However
 , I believe
parents
 are
role
 models for
kids
 to make them good citizens and
schools
 should enhance the
indvidual
Correct your spelling
individual
 personality of
kids
.
Submitted by kmlchahal97 on

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grammar
Try to eliminate small grammatical errors and ensure correct spelling throughout the essay to improve clarity and professionalism.
cohesion
Consider using more varied sentence structures and transitions to improve the flow between ideas and the readability of your essay. This will also enhance coherence and cohesion.
task response
Expand on your examples and provide additional specific evidence to strengthen your arguments. This will help to support your main points more effectively.
task response
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and offers reasons to support your perspective.
coherence
You have effectively organized your essay into distinct paragraphs with a logical structure, making it easier to follow your argument.
task response
You have made a good attempt to incorporate specific examples and personal insights that are relevant to the topic.

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  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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