IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Other believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather that compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
In the present, some people believe that children should be raised to be competitive
while
 others argue that cooperation is more crucial. Competition has brought many benefits, especially in terms of motivation
while
 cooperation’s main benefit is social
skills
. All of which will be examined in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, one of the principal advantages of competition is motivation.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that a competitive environment forces children to push themself automatically. Psychologically, it is normal that most children do not want to be viewed as inferior to others, they will lose confidence easily if they are in the bottom position of the groups. On the other side, kids want to be accepted by their friends and families, resulting in a motivation to encourage themself and develop their performance.
For instance
, students from Triamudomsuksa school which is known for its competitive learning environment, compared to other schools,not only have high academic performance but
also
 succeed in their careers. On the other side of
this
 argument, cooperation improves children’s social
skills
.
In other words
, group project assignments provide an opportunity for kids to learn how to communicate with people, how to listen to each other to be in unity and problem-solving
skills
. Leading to the development of soft
skills
 that enable them to interact with other people effectively.
According to
 research conducted by Chulalongkorn University, it reveals that as many as 70% of students that done their group projects many times, have progressed in confidence and made many new friends. Having examined both perspectives thoroughly, I have personally come to believe that cooperation should be encouraged in every individual since apart from social
skills
, they will gain other
skills
 and have connections to others as well.
Submitted by rasita.pare on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
To improve the flow of your essay, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smoother. For instance, use phrases such as 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' to clearly delineate the competing arguments.
task achievement
Be careful with minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases to ensure your ideas are communicated clearly. For example, 'they will lose confidence easily if they are in the bottom position of the groups' could be rephrased for clarity.
task achievement
Try to develop your arguments a bit further. For example, for the cooperation argument, you could discuss how these skills are useful in adulthood beyond just making friends and being confident.
coherence
Your essay has a clear structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which strengthens your overall argument.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, which enriches your argument and makes it more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
What to do next:
Look at other essays: