Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier societies is to ensure that they are only small difference in earning between the richest and the poorest members to what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that reducing the gap between the rich and the poor is the best way to live more joyful. In
this
is essay,
however
, I will challenge the school of thought. Granted, small difference in learning can confer various benefits, especially for the poorer.
First,
thi
this
can decrease the number of crime who embark on a
life
of crime because of poverty.
Moreover
,
this
meansure may minimize the outrage in society that both candidates get the same opportunity in many fields
such
as : education, job,.. there will no longer be a case which the rich are given priority in services as :medical treatment, education, shopping,...
however
, the line of reasoning is not sound because of the rate of happiness cannot be assessed base on money. To add
further
credence to my assersion, I note the root cause of the happy society is the respect. Nowadays the gap between rich and poor is so large that poor people have self-depreciation about themselves, so they do not achieve better
life
.
this
approve that increasing respect between social classes will have us live more happily.
In addition
, the other way to enhance the citizens's
life
is that government can develop the facilities for all dwellers to improve both physical and mental health so that they can receive high
life
quality which boost their dopamine. In conclusion,it is a mistake to assume that lessening the disproportion between two different classes in society is the best way to create happier because the key to tackle the problem is to enrich better behavior and
life
standards.
Submitted by tôi yêu ielts  on

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Refine your conclusion to succinctly summarize your arguments and position, reinforcing your essay's overall discussion.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with one main idea per paragraph, and use appropriate transition phrases to link your arguments logically.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer language when transitioning between ideas and ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which give a good structure to the essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and covers some relevant points regarding the income gap and its potential connection to societal happiness.
task achievement
You have attempted to provide a balanced argument by acknowledging the potential benefits of reducing the income gap before challenging this viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

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Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
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  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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