IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier societies is to ensure that they are only small difference in earning between the richest and the poorest members to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #societies #difference #members
Some people think that reducing the gap between the rich and the poor is the best way to live more joyful. In
this
 is essay,
however
, I will challenge the school of thought. Granted, small difference in learning can confer various benefits, especially for the poorer.
First,
thi
this
 can decrease the number of crime who embark on a
life
 of crime because of poverty.
Moreover
,
this
 meansure may minimize the outrage in society that both candidates get the same opportunity in many fields
such
 as : education, job,.. there will no longer be a case which the rich are given priority in services as :medical treatment, education, shopping,...
however
, the line of reasoning is not sound because of the rate of happiness cannot be assessed base on money. To add
further
 credence to my assersion, I note the root cause of the happy society is the respect. Nowadays the gap between rich and poor is so large that poor people have self-depreciation about themselves, so they do not achieve better
life
.
this
 approve that increasing respect between social classes will have us live more happily.
In addition
, the other way to enhance the citizens's
life
 is that government can develop the facilities for all dwellers to improve both physical and mental health so that they can receive high
life
 quality which boost their dopamine. In conclusion,it is a mistake to assume that lessening the disproportion between two different classes in society is the best way to create happier because the key to tackle the problem is to enrich better behavior and
life
 standards.
Submitted by tôi yêu ielts  on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your position in relation to the question asked, highlighting what your essay will cover briefly.
task achievement
Make your main points clearer and ensure they are easy to follow, supporting them with specific examples or evidence.
task achievement
Refine your conclusion to succinctly summarize your arguments and position, reinforcing your essay's overall discussion.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with one main idea per paragraph, and use appropriate transition phrases to link your arguments logically.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer language when transitioning between ideas and ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which give a good structure to the essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and covers some relevant points regarding the income gap and its potential connection to societal happiness.
task achievement
You have attempted to provide a balanced argument by acknowledging the potential benefits of reducing the income gap before challenging this viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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