IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people put their personal information online for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is positive or negative development?

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The development of technology brings individuals to input their private
data
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 for daily activities like socializing on social networks or banking purposes. In my view,
this
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 should be perceived as a negative trend for two main reasons.
Firstly
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, not all websites, applications or accounts are safe. There are so many applications created by the verified company which has legality from the government. It can happen as the way to make the application or
website
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 is not that hard for hackers. Hackers can have so many websites or applications which are whose names seem like the verified ones.
For example
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, the verified account of Bank of Indonesia has an account on Twitter @bankindonesiaofficial, there will be so many fake accounts that names look like that
such
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 as @bank1ndonesiaofficial or @b4nkIndonesiaofficial. If
people
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 put their personal information on those fake accounts, it will be dangerous as the hackers can use it for criminal acts.
Secondly
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, it remains a huge thing to keep our private
data
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 in the modern era nowadays. We know that as a human, we may have some friends or families who do not like us. If
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 fill in their personal
data
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 on the
website
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 easily, and they have friends or families who hate us, they can easily take revenge on
people
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's personal
data
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 on the
website
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. They can easily track
people
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 from the recent personal
data
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 on the
website
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and do negative behaviour
such
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 as threatening
people
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's , children.
To sum up
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, filling the personal information can be dangerous for individuals as not only all websites are verified by the government but
also
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 some friends or families who do not like us can take revenge on
those info
Change the determiner
that info
show examples
. I,
therefore
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, remain firmly convinced that
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 should not keep their private
data
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 on their own.

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task achievement
The essay satisfactorily addresses the task, presenting a clear stance on whether the development is positive or negative. However, it can be improved by providing a more balanced argument that also considers some potential benefits or opposing viewpoints.
task achievement
Clarify the supporting points further and avoid repetition. In the second point, the example could be made more relevant and specific to improve comprehension of how personal data can be misused by acquaintances.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is cohesively linked to the next with appropriate transitional phrases, which will improve the logical flow and comprehensiveness. This will enhance the readability and cohesiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by making sure each paragraph has a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences. Providing examples and elaboration will reinforce these ideas more effectively.
task achievement
You have a clear introduction which introduces the topic and presents your viewpoint. The conclusion effectively summarizes your points and restates your stance, which is a strength.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point, which helps convey your ideas clearly. This makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • cybercrimes
  • identity theft
  • financial fraud
  • enhanced social connectivity
  • dependence on technology
  • customised services
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • social networks
  • personal information
  • online platforms
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