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Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #music #cultures #ages #answers
There is no doubt that
music
 plays an effective
role
 in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Many humans believe that
music
 is a nice way to
collecting
Wrong verb form
collect
show examples
 different
societys
Correct your spelling
societies
society
 together. In my opinion, it seems to me that
this
 statement is true so I agree with it. I believe
this
 statement is true for two reasons.
Firstly
, it seems to me that
music
 is full
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a lot of feelings and emotions,
for instance
, numerous people listen to
music
 to cray or to be in a good mood.
Secondly
, most people of all ages listen to
music
,
furthermore
,
music
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 to be more
poplar everyday
Correct your spelling
popular every day
show examples
. In my experience, there are a lot of examples in the whole world that
displays
Correct subject-verb agreement
display
show examples
 the
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
role
 of
music
. For a clear example, some songs get to
listen
Wrong verb form
be listened
show examples
 by millions of humans in different cultures and countries.
Furthermore
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
humans
are listing
Wrong verb form
listen
show examples
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
 in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 what are they doing
while
 driving, at the gym or even
while
 they eating
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 In conclusion,
this
 essay discussed the
role
 of
music
to collect
Change preposition
in collecting
show examples
 different cultures together.
Nevertheless
, numerous people need to know more information about the
role
 of
music
. It is better to exchange our experience about
this
 issue.
Submitted by ryalhamdan on

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grammar
Improve grammatical accuracy, especially subject-verb agreement and correct use of plurals (e.g., 'societys' should be 'societies').
coherence
Enhance coherence between paragraphs by using more cohesive devices and connectors.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or elaborate on the given examples to strengthen your arguments.
introduction
Strong introductory statement that addresses the topic directly.
task achievement
Relevant examples provided, such as the universal appeal of certain songs.
conclusion
Clear conclusion that reiterates the main points discussed.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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