IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and weath than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people, Do you agree or disagree?

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There is a widely held view among the population that these days, well-known people have gained more popularity for their beauty and affluence rather than their
efforts
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.
While
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 I agree that
this
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 negatively affects youngsters, I strongly believe that there are still more celebrities who shine by their talents and attempts. On the one hand, it is noticeable that more and more individuals are becoming popular
due to
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 their charm and sums of money, which sets a bad example for youths. In fact, technology significantly contributes to
this
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 phenomenon, helping to spread their reputation to viewers through certain media,
such
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 as
,
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apply
show examples
 television, or the Internet.
This
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 results in negative consequences for children, who are not fully aware of good or bad things.
As a result
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, they tend toward mimicking or copying, leading to more and more controversial issues.
For example
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, these days, girls who are pretty are recorded
while
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 dancing or singing, and
then
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 posted on Facebook or TikTok, attracting thousands of viewers, which makes them famous within a short time.
Therefore
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, it would lead children to think wrongly that beauty is a key marker to make someone well-known.
On the other hand
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, there are still more good examples for millennials to follow. Those who make great
efforts
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 to be skilful in any area like
,
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apply
show examples
 singing, dancing, or composing, become influenced
although
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 they are not gorgeous and affluent. People are inspired by their talents and endeavours, thereby positively influencing youngsters.
For instance
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, Cristiano Ronaldo, who is famous because of his competence in football, was born into a low-income family and raised by a single mom. Through his
efforts
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, he pushes through the ranks and shines, which inspires a lot of admirers globally. Without trying the best, he would be just an ordinary person. In conclusion,I would side with those who think that gorgeousness and luxury can make people become famous, leading to several negative impacts on youths,
whereas
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, I
also
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 believe that many celebrities are noticed by their
efforts
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.

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grammar
Ensure to proofread your essay to catch minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, such as 'trying the best' which should be 'trying his best.' Additionally, remove unnecessary commas to enhance readability. For instance, 'certain media, such as, television, or the Internet,' should simply be 'certain media, such as television or the Internet.'
examples
Enhance your examples by making them more specific and linked directly to your main points. This will help to further support your argument and provide a richer context. For instance, expand on how social media influencers specifically impact youth behavior and aspirations.
structure
Improve transitions between sentences and ideas to ensure the essay flows smoothly from one point to the next. Phrases like 'On the other hand' and 'For instance' are good, but could be varied for more effective cohesion.
task achievement
You have clearly addressed both sides of the argument, providing a well-rounded response to the task.
structure
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear starting point and a comprehensive closing summary of your points.
examples
Your examples, such as the mention of Cristiano Ronaldo, add credibility and relevance to your arguments.
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