Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree.
Privacy, which is assumed as an indispensable part of famous
people
’s lives
, is said to be concealed from ordinary people
. In this
essay, why I totally agree with the very perspective will be addressed.
Firstly
, celebrities are considered as
the most Change preposition
apply
favorite
individuals among juveniles. Change the spelling
favourite
For instance
, Cristiano Ronaldo is the best football player among others and because of his population, people
follow him and he is a role model for plenty of adolescents. To illustrate, if he gets used to purchasing costly fortune clothes and showcases them in media
, Correct article usage
the media
people
specifically teenagers will be stimulated to buy them too. The more extravagant will be popular, the worse effects will have on people
. As a result
, not only does this
show have negative effects on the financial situation of ordinary people
, but also
leads to making
mental problems because they never can fulfil their desires and always want more.
Verb problem
apply
Secondly
, well-known people
have always been endangered. To clarify, if celebrities always show their houses or give abundant details about their lives
on social media, their enemies can find them and make some perils for them. For example
, many years ago, one of the best actors in our country got used to illustrate
her house and her possessions on social media. One night the thieves found her house and not only they Wrong verb form
illustrating
stole
her precious things Wrong verb form
steal
such
as gold and lots of money, but also
unfortunately they killed her. Therefore
, the more famous people
share their private lives
with others, the more hazardous phenomena will happen.
In conclusion, thanks to the disadvantages people
specifically juveniles, and some perils many celebrities may face, releasing the details about their lives
is not necessary.Submitted by Golden Goals on
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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using linking words and phrases to make the flow of ideas more seamless.
task achievement
For a stronger task response, elaborate more on each point. Explain not just the negative impacts but also consider if there are any potential benefits or counterarguments to present a balanced view.
task achievement
Try to refine the language used for stating points. Simplify sentence structures where necessary to make the ideas clearer and more comprehensible.
conclusion present
The essay’s conclusion effectively summarizes the main points, providing a clear stance on the issue discussed.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes relevant and specific examples to support the points made, especially in the second body paragraph about dangers faced by celebrities.