IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Should young people follow older people's example or it is good for them to challenge older people's opinions and thoughts. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #challenge #thoughts
Some individuals say that younger
people
 should listen to the recommendations of older ones.
However
, others believe that they have to follow only themselves. I firmly agree that the caring ideas of older
people
 could be advantageous for
youngsters
.
To begin
 with, senior
people
 have experienced more than younger and know more about life.
Due to
 their longer life experiences, they can share their knowledge with
youngsters
 to contribute their wisdom.
Also
, the thoughts of older
people
 are a vivid reflection of their mindset and perspective that vastly remained from the past. So, to comprehend the past,
for example
 , meeting with an older
person
 and drinking tea would be a great opportunity for
youngsters
.
Thus
, they play a significant role in our society as they experience more.
On the other hand
, a young
person
 must be aware of his potential that only themselves know better. To be independent, it is believed to let
youngsters
 only follow their rules.
This
 is an effective way to enhance the self-esteem of a young
person
.
For instance
, when I was at school, my family suggested I only care the my thoughts .
Therefore
,
this
 mindset makes me more confident and independency.
Nevertheless
, I consider the beneficial outcomes of taking the suggestions of older into account is outweigh the challenges .
This
 is because no one is born perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The important part of the mistakes is how to correct them.
Hence
, recommendations of elderly
people
 are very insightful to identify and resolve young
people
's issues.
To sum up
,
Although
 listening only to ourselves is essential to build higher confidence, the positive consequences of following elders are valuable and contribute to the
overall
 progression of a
person
.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

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introduction conclusion present
Strengthen the introduction with a clearer thesis statement outlining the main points that will be discussed.
logical structure
Improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows naturally into the next. Transition words and phrases can help with this.
clear comprehensive ideas
Expand and clarify some ideas for better comprehension. For example, the reasoning for how older people contribute to young people's success can be more detailed.
relevant specific examples
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This could make your arguments more persuasive and relatable.
complete response
The essay addresses both views of the topic and provides a personal opinion, which shows a complete response to the task.
supported main points
The main points are generally supported with explanations and examples, which helps in making your argument clear.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the discussion and restates the writer's opinion, tying the essay together.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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