Although it is generally illegal, physical punishment continues in many countries. Some argue that parents should have the right to punish their children in this way. Do you agree or disagree?
Primarily, physical punishment
such
as beating, isolation etc. can be distinguished into the same category called violent punishment. Moreover
, not just in terms of physical actions that are included but in mental terms are also
contained here. Even though these are illegal actions, numerous parents
are still educating their kids
by
Change preposition
through
violence
. I believe that parents
and children
should compromise and be open-minded rather than using inappropriate things.
First and foremost, as I mentioned, punishing kids
is not just using physical violence
which is against the law. In addition
, violence
has a high possibility that all of their past regrets will cause them to have awful thoughts when they grow up but it creates the gap between parents
and them. Owing to
awful experiences from the family, Change preposition
apply
it
even influences the Correct pronoun usage
apply
kids
to become the same model as their parents
.
Nevertheless
, in Asian countries, mothers and fathers want their children
to be well-educated in society although
they commonly pressure them by forcing them into isolation. For instance
, since they were
young until adolescence, they are informed to get perfect credit from school but if they cannot follow it Wrong verb form
are
by
any Change preposition
for
reasons
, they are forced to stay in the room and cut from Fix the agreement mistake
reason
real life
society. Or in Add a hyphen
real-life
Correct article usage
the worst
worst case
scenario, they will be beaten violently by their lovely Add a hyphen
worst-case
parents
. In contrast
, kids
and adolescents in European countries were treated compromisely from
their Change preposition
by
parents
and many of them became good person
without painful memories.
In conclusion, doing illegal things is not a nice method to teach Fix the agreement mistake
people
children
, also
it affects children
Change noun form
children's
personality
in the future badly. I believe that we should stop using Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
violence
and teach them to be a well
person by Change the adverb
good
civilised
way.Add an article
the civilised
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task achievement
Your essay attempts to address the prompt and provides several points against physical punishment effectively. However, there are instances where the arguments could be more developed or clearer. For example, phrases like 'not just in terms of physical actions that are included but in mental terms are also contained here' are vague and could be more explicitly connected to the main argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a structure with an introduction, body paragraphs with main points, and a conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the move between discussing general impacts of physical punishment to examples from Asian and European countries is abrupt. Consider using clear linking phrases and ensuring each paragraph develops a single clear idea systematically.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as the contrast between Asian and European child-rearing practices, which effectively support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You introduce your topic clearly and conclude with a concise summary of your main argument, which shows good overall structure.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.