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Band 5

In many countries, people now wear western clothes such as suits and jeans rather than traditional clothing. Why is this the case? Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #clothes #suits #jeans #case #development
In
this
 westernization, many nations’ citizens are interested in choosing modern
dress
 codes like jeans and suits
also
 their curiosity is declining in their cultural costumes. The main reason behind
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 is
Add an article
a technology
show examples
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 development and
people
 are becoming more literate. In my point of view,
this
 development will give a positive result.
Initially
, technology has increased sky level,
this
 has resulted in
people
 getting easy access to communication through smartphones and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
Hence
, they are keen to know foreign cultures and
endeavouring
Wrong verb form
endeavour
show examples
 to imitate that culture.
In addition
, the effect of globalization, most of the foreign nation’s commodities are available in another
along with
 affordable rates and
this
 can easily enthral the
people
 to procure.
Thus
, all nations’ citizens are interested in purchasing foreign garments. To illustrate, in my country, most of the commodities are imported from China and their clothes are triggered
our
Change preposition
by our
show examples
 nation’s citizens to purchase.
Moreover
,
this
 trend will motivate
people
 in a positive direction.
However
, adhering to the Western cloth culture, their own heritage cloth styles will not disappear. Because, the traditional
dress
 code has come from their ancestors,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
merely imitating
Western
Correct article usage
the Western
show examples
dress
 code, their own traditional
dress
 habits will never change.
Also
,
people
 will start to adhere to
an abroad
Correct word choice
foreign
show examples
dress
 styles, their country’s economy will soar,
also
 import and export commodities will get a boost.
To conclude
, technological development and more literacy will trigger
people
 to imitate other
nations
Change noun form
nations'
nation's
show examples
dress
 codes. Whilst,
people
 will never forget their ancestor
dress
 style, because the traditional clothing system is their identity.
Whereas
, countries economy will possible to increase by western garments.
Submitted by smsundaram57 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring a smoother flow of ideas within and between paragraphs. Use cohesive devices more effectively.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and varied examples to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Clarify some of your points further for better comprehension. Occasionally, the ideas presented can seem a bit vague or underdeveloped.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and generally well-supported with explanations.
task achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the task thoroughly, offering explanations for why people adopt western clothing and discussing the positive aspects of this trend.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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