IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HAVING A SET RETIREMENT AGE (Example 65 YEARS) FOR EVERYBODY, REGARDLESS OF OCCUPATION, IS UNFAIR. THEY BELIEVE THAT A CERTAIN WORKERS DESERVE TO RETIRE AND RECEIVE A PENSION AT AN EARLIER AGE. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? WHICH TYPE OF WORKERS DO YOU THINK SHOULD BENEFIT FROM EARLY RETIREMENT?

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There is no denying the fact that every company has their own policy and rules.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that it is unfair to have a set
retirement
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age
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 of around 65 years old, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 idea. In my opinion, I consider that, regardless of what kind of job, everyone should receive a pension from a young
age
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.
To begin
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 with, employees should have a clear
retirement
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plan
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 at a young
age
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.
In other words
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, having a good
retirement
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plan
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 is beneficial for individuals because they can have a clear vision of their future and manage their time as well.
In addition
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, workers are not machines that spend most of their lives in their occupation, which might lead to mental issues.
For example
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, if the company does not give a clear
retirement
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plan
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 to young workers and does not allow them to receive a pension, they may get mental diseases
such
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 as depression and other mental
disorder
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disorders
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. Another point to consider, teachers should have a
retirement
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plan
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 at a young
age
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 around 35 years. It is
also
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 possible to say that, teaching is a hard and exhausting career, so it would be better to retire at a young
age
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.
Moreover
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, the rate of burnout in the teaching career is dramatically increasing
due to
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 hard work.
For instance
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, a recent article published in Scientific American revealed that most teachers are quitting their jobs on the grounds that the education system has strict
retirement
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 plans, so most of them can not handle the hard work of
this
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 job. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I strongly believe that governments should not have strict rules related to work policies, they should give options to their employees and freedom to set their
retirement
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plan
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that the thesis statement clearly reflects the position you will be defending throughout the essay. Though you mention support for early retirement, there is some ambiguity in fully capturing your stance on a set retirement age.
coherence cohesion
Follow a clear paragraph structure in each section (introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion). Although your essay has logical progression, some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific real-life examples and data to strengthen your main arguments. This will better illustrate the points being made, particularly regarding mental health and job burnout.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You provide relevant arguments and examples that support your main points in the essay.
task achievement
Your writing maintains a consistent focus on the topic and does not deviate from the main argument.
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