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Writing Samples /
Band 4

To what extent do the internet increase social cohension

#internet #cohension
People
 who live in highly developed
countries
 often take
access
 to information
technology
 for granted. They find it hard to imagine a
world
 in which
this
technology
 does not bring greater prosperity.
However
, as the IT revolution moves forward in some parts of the
world
, in other parts of the
world
 the poor are falling
further
 and
further
 behind. Indeed there are many barriers to wider IT
access
 and its potential benefits.
Firstly
, in some
countries
 that are undeveloped, a large majority of
people
 are especially likely to be illiterate. In fact, research shows that
while
Correct word choice
apply
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in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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highly developed nations, fewer than fifty
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the population cannot read.his piece of evidence shows that in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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highly developed
countries
 nearly all of the
people
 are knowledgeable of what is happening in different parts of the
world
 and
also
 in their own country,
whereas
 in the
countries
 that are still struggling with poverty, a huge group of residents cannot
access
 information
technology
.
This
 large proportion of illiteracy could be a serious problem for the more undeveloped
countries
, as it increases the inequality in the
world
.
Secondly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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undeveloped
countries
also
 have a major problem: the inadequacy of the basic infrastructure.
This
 directly leads to how much
people
 can
access
 the internet in a certain country. If the government
didn't
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doesn't
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 supply their
people
 with
infrastructures
Fix the agreement mistake
infrastructure
show examples
, the
people
don't
Correct your spelling
won't
 have the time to notice what is happening online as they already have problems with their daily lives. And because of poverty, the government
also
 has financial problems, so they can't help their
people
 with their infrastructure. In conclusion, I believe that even though
the
Correct article usage
apply
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highly developed
countries
 can use
this
technology
 to bring them into a better
world
, the other
countries
 need to fix their own problems
first,
as it is essential for their development.
Submitted by viktoria.popova92 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. While your points are clear, they would benefit from more seamless transitions between ideas and paragraphs. For example, you could use more transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points made in your essay. Try to restate the main idea briefly and indicate its broader implications.
task achievement
Make sure to develop each of your main ideas fully and provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your response feel more comprehensive and convincing.
task achievement
Develop your introduction further by clearly stating your thesis or main argument. This will help set the stage for the rest of your essay and guide the reader on what to expect.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and covers the major issues related to IT access and its impact on social cohesion. This shows a clear understanding of the task.
task achievement
You have identified major barriers to IT access in undeveloped countries, such as illiteracy and inadequate infrastructure, and discussed their implications well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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