IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It has been frequently argued that at
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
, older
people
Use synonyms
 should not keep on working. Whilst, some believe opine that continue to
work
Use synonyms
 will bring several positive benefits on the lives elderly. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I would like to, shed light on both perspectives
along with
Linking Words
 my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, older
people
Use synonyms
 who continue working past
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 can continue to maintain their mental health and well-being and reduce the pressure on society to support those who can no longer
work
Use synonyms
. First of all, after
retirement
Use synonyms
, retirees who live alone
offer
Add the particle
offer to
show examples
 suffer from boredom and loneliness.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to declining mental health. To solve
this
Linking Words
 issue, letting the elderly join the workforce can help them find joy at
work
Use synonyms
. What's more, businesses can
also
Linking Words
 advantages from
this
Linking Words
 development as they can have experienced employees and cut training costs for newly hired staff who are oftentimes inexperienced at
work
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 who continue working can save the government a part of the monthly subsidy for retirees, which can be allocated to build and improve the country’s infrastructure.
However
Linking Words
, allowing older
people
Use synonyms
 to
work
Use synonyms
 can put younger out of
work
Use synonyms
 if older workers are allowed to keep jobs for a very long time, the young generation will not be able to get jobs. One good example of
this
Linking Words
 there are more workers over the
age
Use synonyms
 of 60 in Vietnam, especially in the education industry.
This
Linking Words
 is happening because older workers refuse to retire and the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 is rather high,
therefore
Linking Words
 millions of younger
people
Use synonyms
 fail to find jobs in all major Vietnam. In conclusion, personally, having older
people
Use synonyms
 who are physically and mentally fit at
work
Use synonyms
 is a positive development.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the various advantages that it brings to the individuals, the businesses, and the society as a whole.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines both perspectives and avoid redundant phrases like 'I would like to shed light on both perspectives' which can be more concise.
relevant specific examples
To bolster your arguments, you should consider providing more specific and diverse examples. Try to avoid overgeneralizing or relying on a single example for an entire argument.
logical structure
It is essential to maintain a clear and logical structure for improved readability. For instance, explicitly state your opinion at the end of your introduction and consistently align your arguments with it.
logical structure
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance the readability of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion.
clear comprehensive ideas
You have successfully articulated both perspectives, which showcases a balanced approach to the issue.
complete response
Your main arguments address multiple facets of the topic, including mental well-being, the economy, and the impact on society.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: