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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in autumn and spring. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in autumn and spring. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.
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The bar chart compares the expected daily
electricity
Use synonyms
 demand in England during autumn and spring. Meanwhile, the pie chart illustrates the use of
electricity
Use synonyms
 in an average English home.
Overall
Linking Words
,
electricity
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usage
Use synonyms
 peaked during the 21st
hour
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 in autumn whilst in spring,
electricity
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 spiked in the 13th and 22nd
hour
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the majority of
electricity
Use synonyms
 is used for heating rooms and heating water. In autumn,
electricity
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 rose from nearly 35000
units
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 to just under 40000
units
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 after three hours before dropping down to 30000 after a period of seven hours. After the 9th
hour
Use synonyms
,
electricity
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 begins to take momentum, increasing to 40000
units
Use synonyms
 by the 13th
hour
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 before plateauing until there is a sharp rise in the next
hour
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, reaching its peak. By the 24th
hour
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,
electricity
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usage
Use synonyms
 decreased significantly to about 35000
units
Use synonyms
 In spring, during the first nine hours,
electricity
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usage
Use synonyms
 decreased gradually from just under 20000
units
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 to nearly 12000
units
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 before it rose and reached its first peak at 20000
units
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. After the 15th
hour
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,
electricity
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usage
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 lowered and remained
to
Change preposition
until
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 the 21st
hour
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 when it rose again and peaked for a second time at 20000
units
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 before decreasing again. With regards to the pie chart, over half of
Use synonyms
electricity
Add an article
the electricity
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 supplied to the average English house was used for heating of rooms and water. 17.5% of the
electricity
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 is used to power ovens,
kettle
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kettles
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 and washing
machine
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machines
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 whilst 16% powers lighting, TV and radio. The remaining 15% is used to power vacuum cleaners, food mixers and electric tools.
Submitted by ngocthuykatie on

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words electricity, usage, hour, units with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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