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Band 3

Around the world, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. Some say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #say #population #governments #society
As a result
 of the improvements in health care, life expectancy for
people
 is increasing from one year to another, In my point of view, it is an advantage
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 elderly
people
 in our society. First of all, having an ageing population benefits the community by providing useful
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
 and experiences for life,
In addition
, having a high life expectancy means that you will have
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
 amount of time to follow
you
Change the pronoun
your
show examples
 passion and make your dreams come true,
for instance
, being able to work in multiple jobs and gain
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 experience.
Nonetheless
, governments find it difficult to have an ageing population and
large
Change the article
a large
the large
show examples
 number of old
people
, because the government will have to increase expenditure on paying
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
show examples
 for retirees,
also
 the government is required to build more hospitals for old
people
, on the other side, they will receive
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 taxes
due to
 the lack of workers,
this
 will increase the probability of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 a deficit in the budget. In conclusion, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by yazanalt523 on

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task achievement
Expand on your introduction to provide a clearer context and outline of your argument.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your arguments and make them more compelling.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are fully developed and comprehensive; some points might need more explanation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs transition smoothly; occasionally, the essay felt abrupt and disconnected.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious of minor grammatical errors and punctuation to enhance the readability and professionalism of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Provide more detailed conclusions summarizing the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
You have presented a clear viewpoint and attempted to balance both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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