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Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extend do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages

#countries #people #population #government #society
In recent years, a
lot
 of individuals
prefer
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prefer to
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 live
more
Change the word
apply
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longer. In my mind, all
people
willing
Add a missing verb
are willing
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 to live a
lot
.
Moreover
, old
people
 becoming more and more.
Although
,
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
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 and children
also
 being a little.
Furthermore
, there are some children and teenagers and they are not more than adults. It is
one
 example
to
Change preposition
of
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 these issues. On the
one
 hand, there are several benefits of long life. The first merit of it is considered to be that humans always become
intelligent
Correct quantifier usage
more intelligent
show examples
 than
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
.
For instance
, they can be
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 for a
lot
 of individuals. And again, there are other things.
This
 is financial needs. If
mother
Correct article usage
the mother
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 and father like
a
Correct article usage
apply
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parents work
in
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apply
show examples
anywhere, adults can glance
to
Change preposition
at
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youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
.
That is
 because elderly persons become cleaver than
anothers
Correct your spelling
others
.
On the other hand
, despite
mentioned
Replace the word
the above-mentioned
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 positives, lots of elderly humans
maybe
Correct your spelling
may be
show examples
problem
Add an article
a problem
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
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 anybody.
For instance
, they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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might be ill after see
became
Wrong verb form
become
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more old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
.
By
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For
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this
 reason, some
people
 should
action
Replace the word
act
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 for them. It becomes
problem
Add an article
a problem
show examples
.
One
 of the major disadvantages of it is that old persons a big
problem
 for anybody in my mind. It is opinions. Another important demerit is that they always want to do anything and they say about these actions. They can not
a
Add a missing verb
do a
show examples
lot
 of difficult things and
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
show examples
.
Also
, it is
one
 issue. In conclusion,
while
 these sentences, adults are becoming a big
problem
 for anybody.
Nevertheless
, some
people
against
Add a missing verb
are against
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to
Change preposition
apply
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this
 ideology.
While
 long life can offer several positives, there
maybe
Correct your spelling
may be
show examples
 some drawbacks too. From my personal point of view,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
this
 will outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

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task response
Your essay has areas that need improvement. To better your Task Response score, aim to have a clearer and more focused thesis in your introduction. Also, back up your main points with specific examples and elaborate more on your thoughts.
coherence cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, work on organizing your essay into distinct paragraphs with clear transitions between ideas. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Additionally, consider structuring your argument more clearly and systematically so that it is easy for the reader to follow your points.
language
On the language front, focus on using more complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more accurately. Be mindful of grammatical issues and make sure to proofread your essay to correct these errors.
understanding
You have demonstrated a good understanding of the topic and provided both positives and negatives of an aging population.
conclusion
Your conclusion reflects your opinion clearly and sums up the arguments, which is an essential component of a good essay.
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