IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

It is important for children to leran the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In our contemporary era, it is acknowledged that youth need to acquire the difference between right and wrong at an early stage of their development, accompanied by punishment policies to help them thrive. In my opinion, it is an old-fashioned method to stimulate the young generation's self-awareness studies which could lead to a harmful environment, triggering more murder in the future. The early years stage plays a vital role in developing responsible individuals and improving the community's safety perspectives. Over the decades, the traditional methods in kids' education predominantly included punishment rules, increasing the violence rates among
families
Use synonyms
 in most countries.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2001,
according to
Linking Words
 the statistics, in the Russian city of Kazan, 45% of child abuse incidents took place in
families
Use synonyms
, including some significant injuries among children. These accidents were not taken to court by lawyers or the community itself
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that it is a common practice.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, with the advent of new educational measures and improving social regulations in the 21st century, adults could implement alternatives in fostering children's crime education.
For example
Linking Words
, in Moscow, the government supported
families
Use synonyms
 with free workshops, webinars and supplementary materials, implementing more flexible and open-minded methods to teach pupils at home with some rewarding strategies.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in 2010, the city authorities conducted festivals where kids were able to experience professions like judges, police officers, and advocates. Those continuing actions played a crucial role in a notable decline of violence rates by 10% among young citizens in 2015. In conclusion, in the modern world, parents have various alternative ways to teach their kids to distinguish between right and wrong, including the traditional one with punishment rules and the new one with rewarding strategies. In my opinion, the former becoming less popular with increasing the pressure on
families
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the latter, which I
also
Linking Words
 tend to support, outstands with its moral flexibility and more fun activities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay addresses the main points of the task, there could have been more direct emphasis on the arguments for and against the necessity of punishment. Consider stating more explicitly the consequences of both approaches to provide a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The flow of the essay is overall good, but some sentences could be clearer and more concise. For instance, 'the traditional methods in kids' education predominantly included punishment rules, increasing the violence rates among families' could be revised for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Additionally, providing more examples and varying sentence structures could improve readability and engagement. For instance, the Moscow example could be delved into a bit more, and more varied sentence lengths could be employed for a more dynamic read.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and your position on it, setting the stage for the rest of the essay.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as the statistics from Kazan and Moscow.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively wraps up your essay by reiterating your central argument about traditional and modern approaches.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: