IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some people think that the government is wasting money on us and that money could be better spent elsewhere to what extent do you agree with this View

#people #government #money
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As
art
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 denotes the unique identity of the country, it has gained a paramount concern in
this
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 contemporary society.
Thus
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, there is an ongoing debate regarding the government expenditure on arts .
Whereas
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,some claim that splurging money on
art
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 is a waste, content on
while
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 others contend with the notion that investing in it is a crucial responsibility of the rulers to ensure social development and cultural enhancement. I totally agree with the latter view which will be explained below. First and foremost,the arts play a gigantic role in exploiting the cultural background of a nation.
Hence
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, the allocation of funds in order to widen the range of aesthetics and
also
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 to ensure the preservation of those cultural heritages is considered a pivotal responsibility of the rulers and
as a result
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 , the establishment of a sustainable and recognized trend of cultures is expected .
For example
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,statistics reveal that countries like India China Italy have dedicated more than 10% of their budget to film Industries and other welfare activities of the artists.
Similarly
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, studying
art
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 has overwhelming influences on soft skill development like creativity empathy and critical thinking of younger.
Hence
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, it is a crucial necessity to introduce
art
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 as a subject for the schoolers
that is
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 imperative for them. Eventually, budgeting on the educational aspects of
art
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 may be beneficial for the country in a myriad of long-term positive results.
For instance
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, research articles suggest that
art
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 as a subject for primary students may trigger their mental tranquillity by 20%.
In contrast
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, a plethora of other competing issues are there in the society which affect the citizens directly. So, the attention of the government to mitigate those pressing issues is equally needed.
To conclude
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,
although
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 the government should find viable solutions for the other problems, I attest that inquiring about money on the
art
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 in the prospect of cultural stability and skill development is too essential.
Submitted by oriexam6 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. Consider using more clear transitions between points and paragraphs to enhance readability.
task achievement
Make sure all the main points are thoroughly supported with relevant and specific examples. Your examples are good, but they can be more directly related to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Pay close attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to improve clarity and coherence.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the topic and presents a well-rounded argument, supporting the idea that government spending on the arts is beneficial.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective in framing the essay and summarizing the key points.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your points, like the statistics about countries investing in their film industries.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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