IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that children should aim to do their best at whatever they are doing. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #aim
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In a
world
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 increasingly driven by competition and achievement, the debate over how much we should encourage
children
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 to excel in all
endeavors
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endeavours
show examples
 is considerable.
While
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 some worry about the potential stress and loss of childhood simplicity, I believe that encouraging
children
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 to give their best in their activities is crucial, as it lays a foundation for resilience and a positive work ethic, essential in today’s fast-paced
world
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. Critics of
this
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 approach highlight the potential negative impacts on
children
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’s mental health. Constantly striving for the best can induce excessive pressure, leading to stress, anxiety, and a fear of failure. These consequences could unintentionally undermine a child’s life, as they may develop a fear of failure and lack motivation to take on new challenges.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 might
also
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 miss out on the joys of childhood, which are essential for holistic development. If
children
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 are burdened with overly high
goals
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, they might find themselves constantly struggling to achieve what they have set out to do, not having enough time to participate in joyful activities.
On the other hand
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, proponents of encouraging
children
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 to give their best argue that it is crucial to cultivate resilience, develop valuable skills, and establish a strong work ethic. In fact, setting high
goals
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 and
then
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 diligently working to achieve them can develop crucial skills
such
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 as critical thinking and problem-solving, which are essential in the modern competitive
world
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.
For example
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, some studies by Yale University have shown that students with clear
goals
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 and who try their best are 80% more likely to succeed not only in their private lives but
also
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 in their professional careers.
Moreover
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, through failures in the process of achieving their
goals
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, they can develop resilience to navigate through life’s difficulties. In summary,
while
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 there are some negative impacts,
children
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 should be encouraged to strive for the best in their activities to be more successful in a fast-paced and competitive
world
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.
Submitted by hachuhachuha on

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task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples or evidence to further substantiate your arguments. This will enhance the credibility and depth of your essay.
coherence cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure, try to integrate more linking phrases or words to improve the flow between paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is engaging and sets up the topic well, providing a clear perspective.
complete response
You have successfully presented both sides of the argument and provided a clear opinion at the end, fulfilling the task requirements.
supported main points
The points you raised are supported adequately, and the conclusion summarizes your essay effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • striving for excellence
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • competitive
  • reduces pressure
  • balanced development
  • fosters creativity
  • realistic goals
  • adverse mental health outcomes
  • achievable aspirations
  • balanced approach
  • participation
  • enjoyment
  • societal and cultural impact
  • understanding of success
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