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Band 5.5

In many countries, people now wear western clothes such as suits and jeans rather than traditional clothing. Is this a positive or negative development?

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It is common to see more and more people wear modern clothing
such
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 as suits and jeans in many parts of the world these days.
This
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 is, for the most part, a change for the better, though there are some negative implications. At the outset, there are some valid concerns over
this
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 rising trend of wearing modern, western outfits. The most worrisome aspect of
this
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 phenomenon is
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
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 of cultural values. Because traditional
clothes
Use synonyms
 are representative of our cultural identity, less common use of
this
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 type of
clothes
Use synonyms
 is likely to lead to the disappearance of our cultural norms.
Popularity
Add an article
The popularity
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 of
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 attire might
also
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 spell doom for local businesses that specialize in making
of
Change preposition
apply
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traditional items of clothing. As more and more people purchase modern outfits, there will be less of
market
Correct article usage
a market
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 available to domestic manufacturers.
This
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 is compounded by the idea that the skill of traditional
Use synonyms
clothes making
Correct your spelling
clothesmaking
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 might be lost
as a result
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 of the trend in question. I,
on the other hand
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, see the growing popularity of
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
clothes
Use synonyms
 as a positive turn of events. The main reason here is practicality. Most
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
clothes
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 tend to be flexible and durable compared with traditional ones
due to
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 the fact that the former is made of synthetic fabric, which is known for being elastic and long-lasting. More on the practicality argument, western
clothes
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 provide better insulation on cold winter days and more air circulation on hot days of summer: a western coat with several layers of coating is clearly superior to a single-layered quilt Uzbek chapan.
Besides
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, western outfits are preferable as far as professional representation is concerned.
This
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 can be reflected in the instance of white-collar workers who tend to wear a black suit and a white shirt, as opposed to
blue collar
Add a hyphen
blue-collar
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 workers
wear
Correct pronoun usage
who wear
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 jeans and a T-shirt. In conclusion,
while
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 some object to the idea of wearing
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
clothes
Use synonyms
 on cultural and economic grounds, I would argue that more people should be encouraged to adopt a
wester
Correct your spelling
western
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 look for practical reasons
such
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 as flexibility and distinguishability.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the issue and it is maintained throughout. To achieve a higher score, ensure that all parts of the question are developed thoroughly.
task achievement
You have supported your main points with relevant examples. To improve further, you could elaborate more on some points to ensure in-depth analysis.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are logically structured, and the essay flows well from one point to the next. To enhance this, work on making some transitions between ideas even smoother.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are articulate and clearly structured. Minor improvements in summarizing key points in the conclusion could enhance it even more.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are well supported, adding more detail to some sections could strengthen the arguments and provide a more comprehensive view.
task achievement
Your essay keeps its stance clear from beginning to end, which reflects good task achievement.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your main points which adds to the clarity of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of ideas and the structure of your essay are well-organized, contributing to a high level of coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your points well and contributing to a well-rounded argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Globalization
  • Influence
  • Perception
  • Modern
  • Trendy
  • Practicality
  • Comfort
  • Professionalism
  • Integration
  • Global economy
  • Cultural identity
  • Appreciation
  • Preservation
  • Individual expression
  • Freedom of choice
  • Positive
  • Negative
  • Impacts
  • Local industries
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