IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believes that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both vinews and give your opinion.

#people #university #college #route #career #job #school #vinews
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
people
 believe that graduating from college can lead to long-term success,
while
 others believe that young
people
 should start working after finishing school. From my perspective, it is better to go to college as it will increase
job
 opportunities On the one hand, there are several reasons to justify the first viewpoint.
Firstly
, the young can broaden their work experience and develop practical skills
such
 as communication skills, and problem-solving skills which can lead them to successful careers and promotions by working earlier than their peers .
Secondly
, earning an income
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a young age can provide financial stability and independence
On the other hand
, opponents of the former view disagree. They argue that the younger
should
Correct pronoun usage
ones should
show examples
 continue their studies.
Since without
Change preposition
Without
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 university degree, young
people
 will find
hard
Correct pronoun usage
it hard
show examples
 when they seek a
job
.
Furthermore
, they make the point that in today’s competitive
job
 market, having academic qualifications in specialized fields like medicine or education can make it easier to have a well-paid
job
.
Consequently
, the
people
 graduating from the university may approach more
job
 opportunities and higher salaries In conclusion, I think both sides have valid arguments.
However
, in my opinion for the reasons mentioned above, continuing studies after school is likely to lead to greater success for students
Submitted by weezel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay presents a complete response to the task and adequately discusses both viewpoints. However, the elaboration on points made can be improved by providing specific examples or further explanations to make the arguments more robust.
coherence and cohesion
The essay generally maintains a logical structure, but there are areas where the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of the essay.
task response
To achieve better task response, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into the reasons and provide more comprehensive explanations and evidence to support each point. Try to elaborate further on how practical skills developed through work or the importance of academic qualifications in specialized fields.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively wraps up the discussion.
task response
The arguments on both sides are presented well, and the writer's opinion is clearly stated in the conclusion, ensuring clarity throughout the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: