IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In recent years the family structures have changed as well as the family roles. What are the changes that are occouring. What do you think can be done to mend it?

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These days the structures of families have been changed as the roles of it does. There are some factors causing
this
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 phenomenon
such
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 as urbanisation and technological development. In my opinion, governmental activities and public awareness can be necessary to improve the situation.
It is clear that
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 living in the city may bring some advantages to people. There are many facilities including hospitals, shopping malls, libraries and stations, which attract individuals for its conveniences.
Additionally
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, salaries in urban
areas
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 are generally higher than in rural settings, contributing to increasing the number of workers who prefer to work in central
areas
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.
However
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, living costs may be
also
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 expensive.
As a result
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, those monetary burdens apparently make a family feel difficulty living in a spacious house, resulting in forming a small family. In fact, in central
areas
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 of Japan, there are more condominiums and apartments and fewer detached houses. To struggle with
this
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 problem, governments should implement policies encouraging living in rural
areas
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 or fund subsidies to support accommodation fees. For another element, the advancement of technology has played a significant role in the elevation of small families.
For example
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, online communication technologies have dramatically changed the way we communicate with each other. Nowadays, we are able to keep in touch with others anytime and anywhere.
On the other hand
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, these easy accesses to contact might lose opportunities to communicate face-to-face, leading to feeling isolated. In Japan, fewer and fewer families have tended to go to their hometowns during the New Year holidays. To improve
this
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 trend, governments should take measures
such
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 as campaigns and events which enhance public awareness of the importance of physical attachments and companies
also
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 should make employees take long vacations enough to go to their hometowns. In conclusion, the constructions and roles of a family have changed to smaller ones and less physical communication than in the past. In order to mend the situation, lowering the living costs and giving subsidies to support especially urban workers should be needed.
Additionally
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, enhancing public awareness of face-to-face communication and providing enough vacations are
also
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 crucial.

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task achievement
While your argument is generally clear, providing more targeted examples could strengthen your points, particularly in the context of urbanization.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, and use linking words and phrases to enhance flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your arguments effectively.
task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing both factors contributing to changes in family structures and potential solutions.
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