IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many countries, people are now living longer than sʼever before. Some people think the are benifits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the adventages of having an ageing population outweigh the adventages.?

#countries #people #sʼever #benifits #society #adventages #population
In many countries, individuals
experiencing
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
 longer
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
, than at any time in history.
Although
 there are
Several
Fix capitalization
several
show examples
 advantages of
people
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 generation it can have Some disadvantages as well. I would argue that
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 sides of
this
 can outweigh the negatives.
On the other hand
, there are severe
Correct your spelling
benefit
benefits
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefits
 of older
people
 bring to society
is
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 wisdom and
Correct your spelling
experience
exprience
Correct your spelling
experience
 The first of it is considered to be that their deep knowledge,
aquired
Correct your spelling
acquired
:
though
Correct your spelling
through
show examples
 decades of life
exrpience
Correct your spelling
experience
, offers valuable insight for the younger generation,
for example
, the elderly can serve as a mentor, Sharing customs, cultural
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
, and stories from past generations, These all can
preseve
Correct your spelling
preserve
 the cultural heritage of a country.
On the other hand
, despite mentioned positives, an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population places significant strain on the healthcare system. As
people
 get older,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 generally require more medical attention and services
due to
 the increasing
Correct your spelling
prevalence
prevelance
Correct your spelling
prevalence
 of some
deases
Correct your spelling
diseases
 diseases like diabetes and heart attack.
This
 leads to a higher
demond
Correct your spelling
demand
 for medical resources and healthcare
prefessionals
Correct your spelling
professionals
.
Moreover
, an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population imposes a financial burden on
goverenments
Correct your spelling
governments
.
An
Change the article
A
show examples
 population means more
people
 are living longer,
Ieading
Correct your spelling
Leading
 to an increase
im
Correct your spelling
in
 the number of retirees who draw pensions.
As a result
, the more
people
 are retired, the more funds the
goverenment
Correct your spelling
government
 needs to pay. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
while
 the
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 generation can offer Several positives, there
my
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
 be some
drew backs
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
show examples
 too. From my personal point of
wiegh
Correct your spelling
view
,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
this
 will
ought
Add the word
ought to
show examples
 weigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammatical accuracy
Work on maintaining consistent and correct grammar throughout the essay. Pay attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement.
task response
Address both the advantages and disadvantages more equally. Expand on the examples and ideas mentioned with more depth.
coherence and cohesion
Improve logical flow by using clearer topic sentences and transitions between points.
task response
The essay clearly identifies both advantages and disadvantages of an aging population.
task response
You have included some specific examples and points to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Main points are generally supported with some explanation and evidence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: