IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as foods, clothes, and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some would argue that teaching
children
Use synonyms
 to make their own decisions on a daily basis is likely to result in a group of inconsiderate people. At the same time, choosing their own needs and wants without the interruption of others is quite crucial for some people. I completely agree with giving
children
Use synonyms
 authority to decide their way of life but parents still have an obligation to monitor their activities.
On the other hand
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, They will get used to putting their needs first
instead
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 of others. Even though it gives an impression of selfishness, it is good for them
due to
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 the fact that the only person who truly knows what they want is themselves.
For example
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, when choosing their school’s extracurricular activities, some would say that it would be better to learn piano so they can serve as a pianist in church
while
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 these
children
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 prefer to choose e-sports because someday they want to be a professional e-sports athlete. Meanwhile,
this
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 way of parenting is acceptable as long as every choice they make will be beneficial for them and doesn’t harm anybody. In
this
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 case, parents, as wise advisors, play an essential role in directing their
children
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 in decision-making and preventing them from making wrong decisions. In the end,
this
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 skill would benefit them to fully function in a social community group,
such
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 as in a workplace where they could become good leaders.
For Instance
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, in order to finish a successful project, they need to be good at decision-making and people management. In conclusion, I believe that giving
children
Use synonyms
 full control of their desires is absolutely rewarding not only in society but
also
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 in their future, as long as it is followed by their parents’ assistance.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that you explicitly state the contrasting viewpoints in the introduction using a slightly clearer structure. Introduce phrases like "On one hand" and "On the other hand" to signal a shift in viewpoints more clearly.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, make sure your examples are better aligned with the points you are making. Ensure that each main point is supported by relevant, specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your argument development by ensuring that your points flow logically from one to the next. Avoid the repetition of ideas to maintain clarity and focus throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the topic, offering a balanced view on both perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively outline the main argument.
task achievement
The language used in the essay is generally clear and communicates the ideas well.
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