IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

A larger amount of advertisements nowadays are now targeted at children. Many people say this has negative effects on children and should there be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Commercial advertisements widely increased to promote products. It has helped the public to grossly know about the insight of the items. I disagree with the argument that the majority of posters recently focusing
children
Use synonyms
 who should be restricted which guides them to get negative thoughts. Despite the notice of profit it helps to create the awareness of cleanliness and enhance creativity.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 learned about discipline and behaviour from schools and parents
whereas
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 improving well-being and cleanliness has never been taught by anyone. That attempt was made by advertising with real scenario visualization effects.
For example
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, 'Lifeboy and Colgate' promotions engage with
children
Use synonyms
's daily habits by showing the adverse results of not exercising regularly resulting had germs and fevers.
Thus
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, kids will understand the importance of doing regular habits
such
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 as brushing their teeth twice and washing
hands
Correct pronoun usage
their hands
show examples
 before and after using washrooms.
Therefore
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, notices always teach youngsters how to protect themselves from infections.
Secondly
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, young kids always think deeply
although
Linking Words
 it is a simple game. The thought process helps them to innovate new ideas and coping habits after watching the initiative actions of others. Most promotion depicts helping old age people and those who may be in need,
for instance
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, 'Moove' ads which
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 to assist the person by understanding their pain during household chores.
Thus
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, to manage creatively with spontaneous thoughts child requires proper guidance other than experience.
To sum up
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, displaying not only for profit reasons it
also
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 blended with some social messages as well. I strongly disagree with the argument that the majority of posters presently target
children
Use synonyms
 and lead them to develop negative thoughts. Despite the profit, it helps to develop the awareness of cleanliness and enhance creativity.
Therefore
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, rather banning them completely escalates awareness and spreads widely in all aspects.

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task response
Consider providing counterarguments to present a balanced view. Even if you disagree, acknowledging opposing viewpoints and refuting them can strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Aim to clarify complex sentences. Simplifying your sentence structures can enhance readability and comprehension.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure logical progression of ideas by using more varied linking words and phrases. This helps connect your arguments seamlessly.
task achievement
Your essay presents relevant and specific examples which support your main points effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and align well with the essay topic.
task achievement
You managed to cover both cleanliness and creativity aspects well, which adds depth to your argument.
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