IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

**More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods.** **To what extent do you agree or disagree?**

Some
people
Use synonyms
 consider that making some fattening
products
Use synonyms
 expensive may discourage
individuals
Use synonyms
 from consuming less than normal time, which is better for their health
issues
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 leads to adverse consequences for certain groups, particularly those with lower incomes. Healthier meals that contain nutrients and supplements can be the best alternative options in comparison with
foods
Use synonyms
 that can carry lots of calories, which impacts the human’s diet to be aware of their meals. Manufacturers and
food
Use synonyms
 suppliers may face less demand to produce
foods
Use synonyms
, which are caused by obesity and overweight,since
people
Use synonyms
's preferences may engage them to rely on healthier
products
Use synonyms
 in order not to spend extra money.
For instance
Linking Words
, fattening items can prevent health
issues
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, which leads
individuals
Use synonyms
 to buy fewer items that contain high-calorie meals; so,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to spend their budget on healthier
products
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the highest demand of low-income groups to purchase fattening
products
Use synonyms
, which has high-calorie
foods
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as fast
foods
Use synonyms
, may encourage physically demanding jobs like construction workers to rely on it. Financial
issues
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as limited budgets may impact purchasing power to afford
foods
Use synonyms
 that have high levels of nutrition and vitamins, which can assist
people
Use synonyms
 to keep fit and healthy.
Therefore
Linking Words
, rather than raising the price of fattening
food
Use synonyms
, more effort should be devoted to promoting education on healthy diets.
For example
Linking Words
, reminder labels could be printed on
food
Use synonyms
 packaging to convey accurate dietary concepts, enabling
individuals
Use synonyms
 to make informed and conscious choices regarding their
food
Use synonyms
 consumption. In conclusion, healthier
products
Use synonyms
 that contain nutrients can be caused by healthier dietary choices to reduce the opportunity of obesity, and are derived from human consciousness.
Foods
Use synonyms
 that provide a standard level of vitamins and proteins may motivate
individuals
Use synonyms
 experiencing
issues
Use synonyms
 with being overweight to adopt healthier dietary choices.
However
Linking Words
, the daily work performance of low-income groups may be affected by the unreasonable pricing of high-calorie
food
Use synonyms
,
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of accessible options for instant energy supply.
Also
Linking Words
, financial
issues
Use synonyms
 can lead to difficulties in affording nutritious
food
Use synonyms
, which is essential for maintaining good health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Clarify your argument in the introduction to make your position more evident. You might want to explicitly state whether you agree or disagree with the idea of increasing prices for fattening foods.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are well-structured with clear topic sentences. This will help guide the reader through your points more effectively.
task achievement
Provide more examples that directly relate to your main points to strengthen your argument. Expanding on the consequences of price increases with specific data or studies could enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the flow of ideas between sentences by using transitional phrases. This will create a smoother reading experience and improve coherence.
content
The essay addresses an important social issue regarding obesity and health, demonstrating an understanding of the topic's relevance.
argumentation
You provided a balanced view by considering both perspectives on the impact of increasing the price of fattening foods.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: