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Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Sweet
food
 and drink are hazardous to health and some
people
 think that
price
 of the products high in sugar content should be increased in order to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumption.
This
 is not a valid suggestion as it can cause more negative problems.
Firstly
, when the
price
 of sweet
food
 is increased in the market, it will make
people
 excited.
This
 would mean that when there is a restriction on certain products, individuals will get curious and desire to try it by hook or crook.
For example
, is censorship. It is very common for
people
 to watch censored movies or films nowadays.
Besides
,
this
 approach
also
 can lead to wrong behaviours and some
people
 will make use of the situation by taking advantage of other
people
. In Malaysia
for instance
, the government increased the
price
 of
cigarattes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
 in an effort to reduce smoking but the result is shocking. In fact, more
people
 turned to vaping which is more disastrous than smoking
cigarretes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
 and even created a new job called vape dealer.
Additionally
, when access to sugary
food
 is deprived, many
people
 will fall into a state of depression because they cannot get the
food
 they enjoy. Studies
also
 have shown that sugar is more addictive than drugs. Increasing the
price
 of sugar is not beneficial because
people
 would not care about their money and would want to get the product to satisfy their cravings. In conclusion, raising the
price
 of sugary products will do more harm than good to society. There are other approaches that can
taken
Verb problem
be
show examples
 taken
such
 as educating society on healthy
food
 choices.
Submitted by coke_sars on

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coherence cohesion
Your argument is clear, but it would benefit from clearer topic sentences and better-organized points. Ensure each paragraph presents a single, focused idea that directly relates to the thesis statement.
task achievement
The essay could be stronger with more specific examples and detailed explanations that clearly support your main points. Try to elaborate more on how exactly raising prices leads to curiosity and detrimental behaviors.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical mistakes and awkward phrases (e.g., 'try it by hook or crook,' 'deprived'). It would improve the readability of your essay if these were corrected.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and defined stance on the topic, which is well-presented in both your introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Providing alternative solutions, such as educating society on healthy food choices, demonstrates critical thinking and a balanced perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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