IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, there has been an unprecedented surge in overweight populations, sparking extensive discussions regarding the implications of fattening
foods
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. One prevailing viewpoint suggests that elevating the
prices
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 of fattening
foods
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 is a reasonable solution to tackle
this
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 problem. From my perspective, I completely disagree with
this
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 statement, and several potential strategies should be applied to address
this
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 concern. One compelling argument against increasing relevant
foods
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'
prices
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 is that it may not bring desirable and predictable consequences. The reason for increasing
foods
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'
prices
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 is to reduce individual intake of high-calorie elements
such
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 as sugars and oil, thereby preventing superfluous energies into their bodies and leading to adverse obesity.
Nevertheless
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,
although
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 faced with increased
prices
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, some folks still persist in purchasing
this
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 category of
foods
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 that provide them with a sense of fulfilment.
For example
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, those with substantial personal wealth generally neglect the elevated
prices
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 of fattening snacks,
thus
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 continuously enhancing the sales of fattening
foods
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.
Furthermore
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, another cause involving opposing
this
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 manner is that raising the price violates fairness and justice, and numerous wise ways can deal with it.
First,
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any entities including the government have no right to randomly change food
prices
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according to
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 their preferences or other reasons. Increasing the
prices
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 of fattening
foods
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 means that several households especially poor families may be not affordable and suffer from hunger and starvation.
Second,
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there are various effective solutions available that can be adopted.
For instance
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, comprehensive awareness campaigns in communities and educational programs advertising detrimental aspects of fattening
foods
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 in schools contribute to establishing a robust framework to decrease people's intake of high-calorie
foods
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. In conclusion, considering the effectiveness and equity problems of elevating the
prices
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, I once again reaffirm my stance that residents should not be encouraged to embrace enhanced fattening food
prices
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. Holistic awareness campaigns and corresponding educational programs will be more rational ways to
this
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 issue.

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task achievement
While your essay does effectively address the topic, providing relevant points against increasing the prices of fattening foods, it could be even stronger with a clearer thesis statement that explicitly states your full stance. This would help in guiding the reader right from the introduction.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrase constructions in places. For instance, the phrase 'therefore preventing superfluous energies into their bodies' could be rephrased for clarity. Proofreading to ensure all sentences are clear and grammatically correct will improve your score.
task achievement
Further expand on your supporting arguments with more data or specific studies which could add depth to your essay and strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This aids in the clarity of your points and makes the essay easy to follow.
task achievement
You successfully present multiple perspectives on the issue, providing a well-rounded argument against raising prices of fattening foods.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, like the mention of poor families and the impact of increased prices on them, effectively demonstrates the negative consequences of the proposed solution.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Government intervention
  • Curb unhealthy eating habits
  • Education and awareness
  • Healthy eating
  • Economic impact
  • Low-income families
  • Taxation
  • Deterrent
  • Consuming unhealthy foods
  • Subsidizing
  • Advertising regulations
  • Food industry
  • Cultural factors
  • Social factors
  • Dietary choices
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