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Writing Samples /
Band 7

It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places like squares and parks. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#towns #cities #places #squares #parks
In modern society, there is an ongoing debate about whether most
cities
 should have large natural places
such
 as
squares
 and
parks
 or not, with many
people
 believing that there are some benefits to introducing
parks
. In
this
 essay, I will argue and explain how having big
parks
 exerts a positive effect on citizens' lives.
To begin
 with, I firmly believe that big public outdoor spaces do good for
people
's mental and physical health.
Firstly
, if towns do not have large natural spaces, many citizens travel to another area or even visit overseas to go to natural
parks
 because countless
cities
 become urbanisation.
Secondly
, a lot of folks need outdoor places where they get some rest in intricate
cities
, which makes them better when they have difficult problems and are exhausted in their workspaces.
For example
,
according to
 the National Statistics Office, more than 50% of individuals visit public outdoor
squares
 when they want to find happiness and excitement. On top of that, nowadays, numerous children spend too much time on smartphones and video games, which suffers from exercise shortage.
Therefore
, if many towns introduce large exterior spaces, young
people
 can be interested in outdoor activities, which makes them participate in working out naturally.
As a result
, governments can address the problem.
For instance
, more than 35% of teenagers living near
parks
involve
Verb problem
take
show examples
 part in several outdoor activities. In my opinion, having public natural
squares
 has various benefits for individuals' health. For these reasons,
cities
 should build a lot of outdoor places. In conclusion, there are a variety of merits for citizens. Especially
people
's mental and physical health become better by numerous
squares
.
Submitted by garim4645 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Some sentences can be adjusted to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Although you have provided relevant examples, varying the examples and offering some statistical or real-world evidence would make your argument more convincing.
task achievement
Try to keep the conclusion more concise. It should summarize the main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a single clear idea. Sometimes your paragraphs have multiple points, which can dilute the persuasive power of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Clear and concise argument is presented in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is logically structured and has sufficient elaboration.
task achievement
The essay thoroughly addresses why having public outdoor spaces positively impacts citizens' mental and physical health.
task achievement
Use of statistics adds credibility to the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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