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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that parents should give their children complete freedom. Others feel that parents should limit their children’s freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #parents #children #freedom #limit #children’s
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In
this
 contemporary era,
children
's
freedom
 is the most common issue in our society. Some individuals believe that
parents
 should give their
children
 complete
freedom
,
while
 others think that
parents
 should limit their
children
’s
freedom
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both opinions and I will draw my personal conclusion. On the one hand , there are two main reasons that
children
 should have complete
freedom
. The first
reason
 is that
children
 will be more independent. Complete
freedom
 helps
kids
 to choose their own way and to be independent in many situations.
For example
, some
parents
 give their
children
 to
choose
Replace the word
choice
show examples
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 school and how to deal with their friends. What is more, taking responsibility is a significant
reason
 for
kids
 to have all
freedom
. When
kids
 make
this
decisiondecision
Correct your spelling
decision decision
decision-decision
 in any situation, they may accept any responsibility.
According to
 a new survey in the U.S.
kids
. who have full responsibility gain more experience from their responsibilities and how to be more independent.
On the other hand
, others believe that
parents
 should limit their
children
’s
freedom
 for several reasons.
Firstly
, the negative decision is the main
reason
.
Parents
 prefer to choose the decision for their
kids
 because their
kids
 will not choose what is more suitable for
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. They
also
 may make a wrong decision that will affect badly on them. Another
reason
 is strict rules for
kids
. The majority of families prefer to put rules for their
kids
 to reduce a backward effect on them.
Thus
, limited
freedom
 is a more suitable option for
children
. In conclusion, there is no doubt that child
freedom
 is a significant issue in our country. In my opinion , I believe that
parents
 should limit
freedom
 for
kids
 because it is the best choice for protecting our
kids
 from harmful situations.
Submitted by almeem on

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task achievement
Your essay covers both views thoroughly and includes a conclusion with your own opinion. Try to use a broader range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to elevate your score.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction succinctly outlines what the essay will cover. Some parts of your essay were slightly repetitive. You can also create more effective transitions between points to make the essay smoother.
task achievement
When providing examples, make sure they are directly tied to the point you're making. The example from the U.S. survey was good but could have been more detailed to better support your argument.
coherence cohesion
While your main points were logical, try to develop them further with more nuanced explanations. This will help demonstrate your ability to think critically about the topic.
organization
Your essay is well-organized with a clear structure, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
content
The essay does a good job of discussing both sides of the issue before presenting your own opinion in the conclusion.
examples
You provided a relevant example from a U.S. survey, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • freedom
  • independence
  • creativity
  • adulthood
  • risks
  • guidance
  • self-discipline
  • responsibility
  • restriction
  • development
  • decision-making
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