IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe that using animals for entertainment, such as in circuses and zoos, is unethical. Others argue that these activities provide important educational opportunities for people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some
people
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 think that utilizing
animals
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 for entertainment activities is immoral
while
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 others believe it is crucial and could be educational, I strongly agree with the second view because I believe that
although
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animals
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 are organisms they are not humans to behave equally to mankind.
This
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 essay will dive into both views containing reasons for each one. Many believe that
animals
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 should not be treated in an unethical way like used in our
events
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 to entertain
people
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 because using these live creatures in
this
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 way would be inhuman as you deal with
animals
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 as any non-live materials, leading to the spread of aggression in society especially among children who attend these
events
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 and learn how other
people
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 deal with
animals
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.
For example
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, at circus festivals, the player might hang the animal up as a kind of playing and deceiving in site the children who are watching and learning aggression.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 believe that
animals
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 should be utilized in entertainment
events
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 because it could have much of an educational impact, those
people
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 say that bringing
animals
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 to the auditorium of a zoo or a theatre must result in many educational benefits , especially for young
people
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 who have not dealt with
animals
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 before like learning the types of
animals
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, their colours, and the food do they prefer.
For example
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, children who go to a zoo and throw some food at
animals
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,
animals
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 would not eat
this
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 type of food because they do not like it or are not accompanied by it,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 would lead them to know what each animal likes to eat. In conclusion, there are controversial debates on how
animals
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 must be treated and
if
Correct word choice
whether
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 they must be taken in entertainment and zoo
events
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 or not.

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task achievement
Consider expanding your introduction with a brief overview of both views before expressing your opinion. This will give your essay a well-rounded start.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to enhance the flow.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more specific and varied examples. This will make your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
You have presented both opinions clearly and offered reasons supporting each view. Well done!
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the debate. Good job!

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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