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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children’s are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children’s #children #message
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In today’s society, the rise of
effort
-oriented awareness has led to
children
 being taught that hard work can achieve anything they want. These perspectives can contribute to various impacts on
children
;
therefore
,
this
 essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of
this
 message. The major positive effect of telling
children
 that as long as they work hard, they can achieve anything is that it effectively encourages them to make a significant
effort
 to reach their goals.
This
 not only provides pivotal inspiration but
also
 increases their level of confidence.
Moreover
, as
children
 believe that they have opportunities to accomplish their goals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when facing difficulties, they strive to overcome them and try to find ways to address the situation.
This
 approach fosters the advancement of adaptability and resilience. Another positive impact is that
this
 message offers
children
 a sense of purpose, leading to a more meaningful and enjoyable life.
However
, it is undeniable that the excessive emphasis on
effort
-oriented awareness has posed some concerning drawbacks. It is a cruel truth that in some cases, relying solely on
effort
 does not guarantee success.
For instance
, if you aspire to be an athlete, artist, or musician, merely
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 and putting in
effort
Add an article
the effort
show examples
 is not sufficient; these professions rely more on individual talent.
Therefore
,
children
 who naively believe that
effort
 alone will bring success may spend a considerable amount of time heading in the wrong direction, resulting in disappointment and a lack of confidence. In conclusion, the
effort
-oriented nature of cultures causes both upsides and downsides.
Therefore
, the best approach is to strike a balance, ensuring that
children
 reap the benefits of
this
 perspective without suffering from its adverse effects.
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task achievement
The essay discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic thoroughly. However, including more specific examples could strengthen the argument. For instance, mentioning real-life scenarios or studies where children benefitted or faced challenges due to this belief would add more depth.
coherence cohesion
While the essay flows logically, creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph would enhance readability. It would also help to ensure all topic sentences directly relate to the advantages or disadvantages being discussed.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear overview of what will be discussed and summarizing the key points.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported, providing reasons and explanations for both the pros and cons of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas are clear and comprehensive, presenting a balanced view of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Motivation
  • Ambition
  • Persevere
  • Setbacks
  • Self-confidence
  • Growth mindset
  • Dedication
  • Effort
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Feelings of failure
  • Neglect
  • Personal well-being
  • Burnout
  • Fixed mindset
  • Discouragement
  • Lose motivation
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