Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals; ‎ during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. ‎ To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?‎

Festivals
are essential parts of a culture. It has become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Concerns have been raised whether people have forgotten the meaning of our local and religious
festivals
but rather enjoy themselves during
such
occasions. I completely agree with
this
.
To begin
with,
celebration
Add an article
a celebration
the celebration
show examples
of
festivals
has become a source of entertainment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
some people. People attend
such
programs to have fun. To illustrate
this
, a publication in the Ghana Times shows,
several
Correct word choice
that several
show examples
participants of Odwira, a local festival marked in the Eastern region show no interest in knowing the history revolving around the occasion but rather, show up for the popularity of the festivity and
merry making
Add a hyphen
merry-making
show examples
. It is
therefore
not surprising most attendees wear inappropriate attire to the program.
However
, history is a fundamental aspect of
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
show examples
. In my country, most schools'
curricular
Replace the word
curricula
show examples
endeavour to incorporate teaching history as a subject to lots of the basic schools' educational calendar to
impact
Correct your spelling
impart
show examples
knowledge about a nation to upcoming citizens.
For instance
, I learnt what I know about
Aboakyire
Correct article usage
the Aboakyire
show examples
festival held by the Gas in the Capital of Ghana from school. In view of
this
, culture is maintained and attendants of
this
festival know and understand the activities that take place, thereby maintaining the integrity of the occasion. It is evident from
this
that not all celebrants present for enjoyment. In conclusion, I agree that
festivals
form a significant aspect of our culture and are not only marked for
fan
Fix the agreement mistake
fans
show examples
but
als
Correct your spelling
also
, to remember and maintain the meaning behind these celebrations.
Submitted by nmaureen03 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt, and your ideas are generally clear. However, ensure that all examples are as detailed and relevant as possible to adequately support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between sentences. This can be achieved by using linking words more effectively to seamlessly guide the reader from one point to the next. Additionally, introduce smaller paragraphs to make the essay more digestible.
general
Pay closer attention to sentence structures and minor grammatical errors. Enhancing these will improve readability and convey your points more effectively.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and directly addresses the essay prompt, which sets a good foundation for your arguments.
supported main points
You provide relevant examples, such as the Odwira festival and the educational curriculum in Ghana, which support your points and add credibility.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Commercialization
  • Globalization
  • Cultural dilution
  • Traditional values
  • Secularization
  • Festivity
  • Heritage
  • Individualism vs. collectivism
  • Consumer culture
  • Intangible cultural heritage
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