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Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #competition #work #school #life
In today’s
intensly
Correct your spelling
intensely
 competitive world, most individuals are following their sentiments in education or career. In current society, whether focusing more on
team work
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teamwork
show examples
 or solitary work is a matter of debate. I subscribe to the prior argument for some reasons. On the one hand, the idea of establishing a
competition
 between students has
gain
Change the verb form
gained
show examples
 popularity among schools. To clarify, when a challenge
started
Wrong verb form
starts
show examples
 between a group of students who are
tempting
Wrong verb form
tempted
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 to chase their dreams, their endeavour will be increased
drasticly
Correct your spelling
drastically
.
This
 is
mainely
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mainly
 due
the
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to the
show examples
 fact that they tend to surpass their rivals, and a biological condition, which sparks by a challenge
then
 leads to
adrenalin
Correct article usage
an adrenalin
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 rush. The
sitution
Correct your spelling
situation
 is called
fight
Correct article usage
a fight
show examples
 or flight condition.
Therefore
,
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 is focused on better
performances
Fix the agreement mistake
performance
show examples
.
On the other hand
, in novel methods of
education
Add a comma
education,
show examples
 there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a greater tendency
on
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to
show examples
 enhancement of
colabrations
Correct your spelling
collaboration
.
In other words
, in these
methods
Add a comma
methods,
show examples
 students may focus on notions that are helpful for a community either
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
 one
such
 as
workplace
Correct article usage
a workplace
show examples
 or
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 one
such
 as a country.
Furthermore
, being
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
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stress
Replace the word
stressed
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due to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
competition
 will
devestate
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devastate
the
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apply
show examples
health conditions. In my opinion, improving the sense of cooperation will create countless benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
healtier
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healthier
life styles
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lifestyles
show examples
such
 as improving communication,
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of
generousity
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generosity
, and developing
cognitive
Change the adjective
cognitively
show examples
.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
competition
 directly can influence
on
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apply
show examples
performance, some
collectively
Change the word
collective
show examples
trainnig
Correct your spelling
training
 would enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
performance.
For instance
, there has been a direct
corrolation
Correct your spelling
correlation
with
Change preposition
between
show examples
Correct article usage
a healtier
show examples
healtier
Correct your spelling
healthier
 lifestyle and
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 abilities, in
this
 respect developed countries
such
 as the USA, Sweden, and Australia are the standout examples.
To conclude
, adopting
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healtier
Correct your spelling
healthier
life styles
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lifestyles
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
indispencable
Correct your spelling
indispensable
, in
this
regards
Correct subject-verb agreement
regard
show examples
 teamwork practices could keep them sane.
Although
competition
 has its own effects on performance, the insane
condition
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conditions
show examples
 that will
consequently
 come
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 harmful, so we should avoid
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it.
Submitted by aradzandieh.dvm on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your arguments. Ensure that each point naturally follows from the previous one, and that paragraphs are well-connected.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should better summarize the main points discussed and restate your opinion in a clearer manner.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully developed with relevant and specific examples to support your ideas.
task achievement
Improve clarity by eliminating grammatical errors and by using varied sentence structures. This will help your ideas to be more comprehensible.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the discussion well, and there are clear attempts to discuss various aspects of the topic.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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