IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

task2: Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Nowadays, celebrity
coverage
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 on social media is believed to have
harmful
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a harmful
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 influence on
children
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. I partly agree with the point of view. In
this
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 essay, I would argue that news about famous
people
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 can bring both negative and positive consequences to
children
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’s awareness. On the one hand,
children
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 can be affected negatively when being exposed too much to
coverage
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 of celebrities. It is because of the fact that
,
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apply
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coverage
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 of famous
people
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 is always plentiful and available on the Internet so
children
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 can easily encounter them when opening their phones or tablets. Dangerously, most of
news
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the news
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 is scandals, rumors and sensational news.
According to
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 scientific research, the young are not fully mentally developed, so they tend to mimic what they see.
As a result
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,
children
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 can confuse between fame and notoriety.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 can
also
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 be influenced positively thanks to social media’s information
of
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about
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 celebrities. It is because
people
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 can rely on fame to convey positive messages. If there are famous
people
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 by scandals, there can
also
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 be
people
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 becoming famous
by
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because of
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 their hard work and real abilities. A typical example of
this
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 is Den Vau, a popular inspirational Vietnamese singer and volunteer with many profound songs and charity
raising-fund
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raising fund
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 activities to help disadvantaged
children
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. In conclusion, I partially agree that celebrity
coverage
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 of well-known
people
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affect
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affects
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 youngsters negatively. I do believe there are both negative and positive sides that information about famous
people
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 can bring to users on social platforms.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task adequately and presents a clear position. However, try to expand each point a bit more comprehensively to ensure thorough exploration of ideas. For example, provide more details on how children might be negatively influenced by the scandals and rumors of celebrities.
coherence cohesion
Add more linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between ideas. This will help to improve the cohesiveness of your essay. Terms like 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' or 'On the contrary' can guide the reader through your argument more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the argument.
task achievement
Both negative and positive aspects of media coverage on celebrities are discussed, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples, such as Den Vau, are used effectively to support the points made.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Celebrity culture
  • Glamorization
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Self-esteem
  • Scandals
  • Role models
  • Moral development
  • Mental health
  • Influence
  • Exposure
  • Social media platforms
  • Charity work
  • Inappropriate behavior
  • Perfection image
  • Negative impact
  • Inspire children
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