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Band 7

Many people believe that graduating from college can lead to long-term success, while others believe that young people should start working after graduating from high school. From my perspective, it is better to go to college as this will increase their job opportunities

#people #college #success #school #perspective #job #opportunities
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Many
people
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 believe that graduating from college can lead to long-term success,
while
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 others believe that young
people
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 should start working after graduating from high
school
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. From my perspective, it is better to go to college as
this
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 will increase their job opportunities On the one hand, there are several reasons to justify the second viewpoint.
Firstly
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, as the young have an opportunity to come into contact with different
work
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environment
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environments
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 and
people
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, they can broaden their
work
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 experience and develop practical skills
such
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 as communication skills, and problem-solving skills which can lead them to successful careers and promotions.
For instance
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, to become a chef, a young person only needs to learn the knowledge of cuisine
instead
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 of studying mathematics or philosophy in college. That will help them save time spent on
school
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.
As a result
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, the students can
work
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 more effectively in an increasingly competitive and demanding
work
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 environment
Secondly
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, the young can be financial stability because earning an income helps young age help individuals understand the value of money and learn how to manage
this
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 responsibly.
Consequently
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, they can be more financially savvy compared to their peers, leading to independence.
On the other hand
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, opponents of the former view argue that the younger ones should continue their studies. Without a university degree, young
people
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 will find it challenging when they seek a job because many positions require a high level of expertise and knowledge. In the eyes of employers, they usually prioritize a person who has a high
school
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 degree which demonstrates that they have academic qualifications in specialized fields.
As a result
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, the
people
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 graduating from the university may approach more job opportunities and lucrative jobs.
Furthermore
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, when students take a year off to
work
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 and earn some money, they will prioritize
work
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 over education and may begin to consider high
school
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 to be unnecessary, leading to the rate of dropout and unemployment increase In conclusion, I think both sides have valid arguments.
However
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, in my opinion, continuing studies after
school
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 is likely to lead to greater success for students
Submitted by weezel on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there are no run-on sentences and improve transitions between some ideas for smooth readability.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific and varied examples to strengthen arguments. Also, try to fine-tune some grammatical aspects for higher precision.
coherence cohesion
Clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Both perspectives are addressed adequately with logical organization.
coherence cohesion
Solid main points that support the thesis effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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