IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

#spite #advances #agriculture #people #world #case
A large number of
people
 across the
world
 experience hunger, despite the advances made in the sector of agriculture,
as a result
 of persisting
poverty
 around the
world
.
This
 ever-lasting obstacle is hoped to be diminished, by the
government
’s implementation of a
food
-producing empowerment program. Hunger is still happening across the
world
, and one of its causes is
poverty
. Many
people
 around the
world
 are so poor that they do not possess the resources to afford basic human necessities including
food
, even if the amount of
food
 is abundant or agriculture in the country is advanced. These
people
 rely on
government
 and non-governmental organizations to provide them with healthy diets.
For example
, in Rwanda, 70% of children experience malnutrition
due to
 living in
poverty
 and in a very poor living environment. In
this
 matter, the
government
 can play its role in taking care of its
people
 by enacting a
food
-producing empowerment program. As mentioned earlier,
people
 living in
poverty
 do not have access to
food
 and they rely on external parties,
such
 as the
government
 to provide them with an adequate diet.
However
, giving free
food
 is not a sustainable solution,
instead
, the
government
 can opt for empowering and equipping
people
 with the resources they need to produce their own
food
, which will support them and their community in the long term.
For example
, Indonesia has supported its
people
 living in
poverty
 in Sumatra Island with corn-producing crops and time-to-time farming education programs, so that the
people
 can engage in farming activities and produce their own
food
. In conclusion,
although
, agriculture has seen some advancements,
world
 hunger keeps happening
due to
poverty
, it is recommended that the
government
 tackle
this
 challenge by creating a
food
-producing empowerment program to support its
people
 in the long run.
Submitted by annzhr on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay provides a good introduction and conclusion, ensure that the introduction presents the main points briefly. Likewise, in the conclusion, reiterate the main discussion points to reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical flow of the essay, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, explaining the link between agriculture and poverty can provide greater depth to the discussion.
task achievement
While your response addresses the prompt well, providing more extensive examples and elaborating on key points can further strengthen your argument. Consider adding a paragraph discussing other factors contributing to hunger, such as political instability or climate change, to provide a more comprehensive view.
task achievement
Develop your ideas further by incorporating more data, statistics, or case studies. This will help in providing a clearer and more comprehensive discussion, making your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
The essay effectively introduces a central reason for the issue and proposes a solution that aligns well with the identified problem.
task achievement
Examples provided to illustrate key points are relevant and support the arguments made effectively, particularly the examples related to Rwanda and Indonesia.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, making it easy to follow the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inequality
  • distribution
  • access to resources
  • climate change
  • natural disasters
  • political factors
  • economic factors
  • agricultural practices
  • infrastructure
  • transportation
  • population growth
  • education
  • knowledge
  • food waste
What to do next:
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