IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think it is having an opposite effect. Discuss these points of view. What is your opinion

#people #range #technology #individuals #gap #effect #points
Numerous
individuals
 think that the advanced development of
technology
that is
 available nowadays is improving the gap between the poor & the rich.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe the 4.0
technology
 delivers
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opposite effect. In my opinion, the improved range of today's
technology
 decreases the gap between poor
people
 and rich
people
. Back in the day, only wealthy
people
 were able to access technological stuff. These days, with a wider range of
technology
 prices, almost everyone can afford
technology
 items
such
 as
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
.
As a result
, we as a society have developed the quality of education and human resources
due to
 the effectiveness of
technology
that is
 being used on a daily basis.
Moreover
, the quality of these aspects is being spread more evenly among both the poor and the rich with the use of technological advancements. The enhanced use of
technology
also
 helps all
individuals
 to operate more efficiently in their daily lives.
For example
, everyone can use the easiness of government apps or any other online app to help them with what they want. These things were only able to be accessed
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 ones back
then
.
Furthermore
, the efficiency behind
this
 improvement
also
 helps all
individuals
 to be treated equally without considering their backgrounds. In conclusion, I believe that the range of
technology
 available to
individuals
 today is decreasing the gap between the rich and the poor.
In addition
,
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 advancement
also
 brings us many benefits
such
 as education development and
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 applications.
Submitted by oktavianisaa123 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To improve, you could work on ensuring a more logical structure throughout the essay. Ensure each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Additionally, be cautious with sentences that might seem ambiguous or unclear.
Task Achievement
Try to incorporate specific examples that are more detailed and directly related to the arguments you are making. This will help illustrate your points more effectively and strengthen the overall essay.
Introduction and Conclusion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance. This sets a solid foundation for the rest of the essay.
Introduction and Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your opinion, providing a satisfying end to the essay.
Supported Main Points
Key points are supported by relevant arguments and examples, which help to make your essay persuasive and comprehensive.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: