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Band 8

Some people believe that money makes life easier and more comfortable. Others think that a large amount of wealth brings more trouble. Do the advantages of having a lot of money outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #money #life #amount #wealth #trouble
In the contemporary world, the controversy surrounding the importance of
money
 has been a prominent topic.
While
 some people believe that
wealth
 brings ease and comfort to humankind, others argue that the abundance of
money
 leads to unforeseen difficulties. From my perspective, I contend that the disadvantages are eclipsed by substantial benefits, as
money
 enables individuals to access opportunities, alleviate financial stress, and contribute to society. On the one hand, it is undeniable that excessive amounts of
money
 can bring some challenges.
Firstly
, it may attract unwanted attention and create an environment of distrust and envy.
For instance
, celebrities and renowned individuals,
such
 as Elon Musk and Jenifer Lopez, often find themselves dealing with invasive media scrutiny and security concerns.
Secondly
, preoccupation with accumulating
wealth
 can lead to a lack of work-life balance and can cause some problems in personal relationships, resulting in mental health issues.
On the other hand
, notwithstanding the aforementioned drawbacks, possessing significant
wealth
 grants myriads of opportunities and experiences. To be more precise, with financial resources at their disposal, individuals can pursue higher education, invest in new ventures, support charitable activities, and explore different corners of the world without any stress. An obvious example of
this
 is Elon Musk who,
due to
 his vast
wealth
, was able to establish the SpaceX project, which is contributing to the advancement of space exploration.
This
 demonstrates how financial resources can empower people to create long-lasting impacts on society and the world. In conclusion,
although
 possessing a lot of
money
 causes some problems
such
 as media scrutiny along mental health issues, I believe that the benefits overshadow the disadvantages.
Submitted by Nastaran_zandy on

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task achievement
Consider adding an example or statistic to further emphasize the point about financial stress alleviation.
task achievement
While the main ideas are clearly presented, varying the expression of similar concepts would enhance readability and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the paragraphs are consistently balanced in length; for example, the first 'body paragraph' could be slightly expanded.
coherence cohesion
Strong and clear thesis statement in the introduction, setting the stage for the essay.
task achievement
Effective use of examples like Elon Musk and Jennifer Lopez to support main points.
coherence cohesion
Clear and logical structure with well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Quality of life
  • Social isolation
  • Philanthropy
  • Wealth management
  • Material possessions
  • Economic stability
  • Opportunities
  • Excessive wealth
  • Exploitative relationships
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