IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Today, the expensive price of popular consumer products is because of the power of advertising and not real needs of people. Do you agree or disagree?

#price #consumer #products #power #people
It is thought
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some people that the price of popular
products
 increases because of the power of advertising
while
 others believe it is about the needs of people. From my point of view, I disagree with
this
 idea for some reasons and it will be discussed before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, manufacturers mostly invest a lot of money in research and development to improve and enhance the lifestyle of society
instead
 of using advertisements.
For instance
, new smartphones come with useful features to ease their users' lives
such
 as using face or voice recognition to unlock their phones to avoid white-collar crimes which are one of the main problems these days.
Moreover
, a function that provides the ability to track people or precious belongings. Customers can use them to locate their family members or find lost ones.
In addition
, the price of
products
also
 depends on the quality of materials. To illustrate, the Prada bags are weaved with high-quality textiles to make it become water-resistant and tolerant to all scratches.
Therefore
, the manufacturers do not need to use advertising to help them promote their
products
 and are still able to sell their goods at high prices. All in all, even if some individuals think that popular consumer
products
 cost highly because of advertising. It is undeniable that the price of
products
 does not relate to advertising. I strongly disagree with
this
 matter, companies just do their parts and let the customers review
then
 persuade others to make their own choices.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To further improve, clearly delineate each argument in separate paragraphs. This separation will enhance readability and structure.
task achievement
Consider elaborating more on why advertising might affect pricing to make the discussion more balanced.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every point ties back directly to the main thesis to reinforce the response's unity and coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides clear and relevant examples, such as the functions of new smartphones and the quality of Prada bags.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, serving to introduce and summarize the main points effectively.
task achievement
The writer uses appropriate language and vocabulary to express ideas clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: