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Band 7

Differences between countries are becoming less evident each year. Nowadays, people all over the world share fashions, advertising, brands, eating habits, and TV channels. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#differences #countries #year #people #world #fashions #brands #habits #tv #channels #trend
While
 some
people
 believe the fact that individuals around the globe share the same fashion, advertising, brands, food, and TV programs is beneficial, I argue that the disadvantages of
this
trend
 outweigh the advantages. On the one hand, there are positive things about
people
following
this
trend
.
Firstly
,
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exposure to divergent cultures, individuals can improve their cultural awareness skills which help them become more mindful
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
.
Therefore
, by learning about the country’s culture and tradition,
people
 can prepare better for their trip or studies abroad physically and mentally.
Secondly
, because the world’s major brands are now imported worldwide,
people
 can access global products and services at affordable prices.
As a result
, their standards of living improve.
On the other hand
,
people
 attaining similar lifestyles pose a threat to local culture and customs.
This
 can be explained by the fact that many
people
 are now obsessed with foreign trends and cultures.
For example
, with the rising
trend
 in the Korean entertainment industry, many
people
 in Vietnam tend to adopt Korean lifestyles and consume various Korean idol goods.
Consequently
, traditional crafts and cuisines slowly disappeared, leading to the loss of cultural identity.
Moreover
, nowadays societies are driven by the notion of modernization, so multinational corporations often overpower small local businesses.
Additionally
, the decline of local businesses can have negative social and economic impacts,
such
 as job losses, decreased tax revenues, and a weakening of community ties.
To sum up
,
this
trend
 might possess many advantages.
However
, I am more inclined to the view that the disadvantages will likely prevail
Submitted by vannessnguyenlhp on

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task response
It would be better to explore more dimensions of the topic, like the advantages, which could bring nuance to the essay.
task response
Try to elaborate more on main points by providing a bit more detail to make the argument even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Use a clearer transitional phrase between paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and strong introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the argument.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is well maintained, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task response
Supported main points with relevant examples helped make the argument more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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