IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people believe that outdoor activities provide more benefits for a child’s
development
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 than playing
computer
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games
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. Not only do I completely agree with
this
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 idea, but I
also
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 believe that
computer
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games
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 are quite detrimental to a child’s
development
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. Outdoor activities are beneficial to
children
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 in many ways. Human beings are meant to be a part of nature, and constantly being trapped in unnatural environments limits
children
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’s ability to develop physically, mentally, and emotionally.
For example
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, humans are not designed to sit in a chair for long periods of
time
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, be it in a classroom or in an office, as it has detrimental effects on their bodies. Spending
time
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 outdoors helps to remedy
this
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 problem by allowing people to move freely and stimulate and strengthen their muscles which helps to improve their posture and well-being.
Furthermore
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, studies have proven that
children
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 who spend more
time
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 outdoors and in nature are far less stressed and more mentally and emotionally stable than those who spend less
time
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 outdoors and more
time
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 watching television or playing
computer
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games
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. Playing
computer
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games
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,
on the other hand
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, poses several risks to the
development
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 of
children
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.
Firstly
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, most
computer
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games
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 are addictive, and
this
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 can lead to several negative effects for
children
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, both physically and mentally. Studies have shown that
children
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 who play
computer
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games
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 for even just one hour a day can suffer from eyesight and musculoskeletal problems, which inevitably negatively affect other areas of their lives, including their studies.
Moreover
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, mental health problems
such
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 as anxiety, depression, and stress are commonly found in
children
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 who play addictive and violent
computer
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games
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, and
this
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also
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 negatively affects their
development
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,
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apply
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 and can have a detrimental impact on their relationships and ability to communicate with others. In conclusion,
although
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 some
computer
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games
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 can be educational and can have certain positive effects on
children
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’s
development
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, I believe that the negative impacts far outweigh any benefits
,
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apply
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 and that spending
time
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 outdoors is the key to healthy
development
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 for
children
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.

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task achievement
To further improve your essay, consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention particular studies or data to support your points about the physical and mental benefits of outdoor activities.
task achievement
Make sure to address possible counterarguments. Including a brief discussion on the potential benefits of computer games (e.g., educational games) could demonstrate a well-rounded perspective.
coherence cohesion
A little more variation in transition words and phrases can enhance the flow even further. Consider using phrases like 'in addition,' 'moreover,' or 'consequently' to add variety.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow the argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with relevant arguments. The essay presents a balanced viewpoint, acknowledging the limited benefits of computer games while emphasizing outdoor activities.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, covering various benefits of outdoor activities for children's development and addressing the negative impacts of computer games.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical development
  • Overall health
  • Coordination
  • Foster
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Strategic thinking
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Sedentary lifestyles
  • Social isolation
  • Moderation
  • Balanced approach
  • Detract
  • Obesity
  • Poor posture
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