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Band 5.5

Fast food is a part of life in some places. Some people think that this has bad effects on lifestyles and diet. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #part #life #places #people #effects #lifestyles #diet
Nowadays junk
food
 is considered an indispensable part of
people
's lives in many communities. I completely agree that
this
 tendency has various detrimental effects on consumers' lifestyles and
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
 in the long run that cannot be disregarded.
Firstly
, consuming fast
food
 on a frequent basis directly affects users' health negatively. Ingredients it contains involve a large amount of sugar and fats which increase the risk of
people
 getting
ilnesses
Correct your spelling
illnesses
such
 as diabetes, obesity or other diet-related
deseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
.
For example
, huge fast
food
 chains,
such
 as McDonalds, KFC,
Subway
Correct word choice
and Subway
show examples
 are ubiquitous across many countries and available 24/7
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 many
people
 to purchase different menus and share the common experience of eating as others.
This
 excessive consumption of junk
food
 will only deter members of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society from healthy nutrition and home-made meals.
Additionally
, apart from eating ready-made foods, there is no guarantee that all the ingredients included in these meals are fresh. It is a common practice that many restaurants use goods that are about to go bad to prepare burgers and salads and add some chemicals in order to prevent
people
 from noticing them.
This
 approach only results in deteriorating individuals' medical conditions and leading them to have severe illnesses down the line.
Therefore
, the possible side effects of junk
food
 should not be neglected as it causes them to have many issues
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their health.
To conclude
, even though fast
food
 is individuals' first option when it comes to choosing any meal to eat, it has numerous downsides
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
's lives and
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
 that cannot be neglected
such
 as causing them to have many
deceases
Correct your spelling
diseases
show examples
 and creating multiple problems in their health systems.
Submitted by Dinare Abdullayeva on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay is clear and well-structured, make sure to check for minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes (e.g., 'ilnesses' should be 'illnesses', 'deseases' should be 'diseases'). These small errors can distract the reader and slightly affect the clarity of your argument.
task achievement
In your writing, try to provide more detailed examples or statistics to strengthen your points. This will not only make your arguments more compelling but also show a deeper engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and consistent structure, with a strong introduction, well-developed body paragraphs, and a cohesive conclusion. This helps the reader follow your argument easily.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the task by presenting a clear stance and supporting it with relevant points. This shows a good understanding of the topic and helps in making your argument persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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