IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

What do you think is the best way to find a job: by gaining more knowledge and education or through more practical skills? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details

#job #education #skills #choice
In the
career
 market, people need to make decisions between attaining more practical skills and more learning
knowledge
 to get employment. Some argue that more practical skills give individuals more
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
show examples
 to get hired than obtaining
knowledge
.
However
, I firmly believe that
further
 education at college or university helps to get a
job
 for several important reasons. By having more learning
knowledge
, individuals can build up supportable social
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 with classmates and professionals that help them to find a
job
.
For example
, I took an education course at university to gain a certificate because most
school
 districts ask candidates to have a related certificate. By taking the course, I could meet many classmates and professionals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and could get good references to apply for jobs.
Furthermore
, classmates who already
got
Verb problem
had
show examples
school
 jobs
offer
Wrong verb form
offered
show examples
 me employment
information
 to help me find a
job
. Eventually,
useful
Correct article usage
a useful
show examples
 professional social network and related certificate really helped me get a
job
. Getting more
information
 and schooling enhances people to have
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
career
 level in
job
Add an article
the job
show examples
 market.
For instance
, as a health practitioner, there are health practitioners with more experience and
specialty
Change the spelling
speciality
show examples
 in the same field and
school
 professionals.
Moreover
, medical skills are advanced day by day.
Therefore
, when they attend
school
 to obtain more recent
knowledge
 or studies, it leads them to have
specialty
Change the spelling
speciality
show examples
 and competitive
career
 opportunities than others who do practice with old
information
.
Overall
, I strongly believe that obtaining
information
 and education
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 schooling is the most effective way to get a
job
, offering a strong professional network and a competitive
career
 level.
Submitted by sby0703 on

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task achievement
Enhance task response by directly addressing counter-arguments. Although the essay is comprehensive, acknowledging the practical skills perspective and refuting it would strengthen your argument. Consider allocating a paragraph to this.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by varying sentence structures. Some sentences are lengthy and complex, which can obscure meaning. Using shorter, clearer sentences in some places would improve readability and emphasis.
coherence cohesion
Ensure precise language and grammatical accuracy. While minor inaccuracies are acceptable, there are some instances where clearer language could be used, such as 'schooling enhances people to have competitive career level' which could be phrased as 'schooling enhances people's competitive edge in the job market'.
task achievement
The essay provides strong examples and detailed reasoning, particularly in the explanation of how networking in educational settings can aid in job placement.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear and logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that effectively support the main argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes and reinforces the main points of the essay, providing a clear resolution to the argument presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • specialized fields
  • certifications
  • educational institution
  • professions
  • theoretical knowledge
  • regulated
  • application
  • skillset
  • hands-on experience
  • trade jobs
  • apprenticeship
  • balance
  • combination
  • the job market
  • technological advancements
  • upskilling
  • mid-career transition
  • employer expectations
  • practical application
  • continuous learning
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