IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The Research Studies show that overeating is equal ly harmful to people’s health as smoking. Therefore, the advertisements of certain food products should be banned similar to cigarettes. To what extent you agree?

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According to
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 recent studies excessive eating habits have almost the same detrimental effects on
people
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's medical conditions as smoking.
Hence
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, some
people
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 advocate for the idea that the promotion of certain food
products
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 through
advertisements
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 should be prohibited by the government authorities. I completely agree with the given statement, since these regulations might have some positive impacts on individuals' health.
Firstly
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, some regulations should be enacted to deter
people
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 from being exposed to certain ads that promote harmful
products
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.
Advertisements
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 are generally designed to tempt
people
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 to try their goods regardless of their negative effects on
people
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's health conditions. The main incentive of these companies is to earn as much profit as possible. Obviously, they do not pay enough attention to the qualities of the
products
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 they produce.
Therefore
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, imposing rules that make businesses to be cautious of the goods they produce and promote might result in positive outcomes.
For example
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, authorities might penalize
the
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apply
show examples
ads that only focus on deceiving the audience to purchase their
products
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instead
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 of showing them their ingredients and possible impacts on health.
In addition
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, taxing
advertisements
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 for certain
products
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such
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 as cigarettes would demotivate the businesses to promote those
products
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 and reduce the
overall
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 consumption within society.
Secondly
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, banning those
advertisements
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 would encourage other businesses to concentrate on improving their
products
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 to have more beneficial features to
people
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's diets. It would
also
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 incentivize a few organizations to educate
people
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 about the severe consequences of consuming unhealthy
products
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 on their immune systems and the possible illnesses they might have down in the line
such
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 as obesity, diabetes, and other diet-related diseases.
For instance
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, holding campaigns that familiarize
people
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 with healthy diets and eating habits would result in better outcomes in the long run.
To conclude
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, there are numerous ads that entice
people
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 to develop harmful eating habits and try various
products
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 that can deteriorate their medical conditions. I am of the opinion that, certain regulations should be prepared and imposed on
advertisements
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 to protect consumers from the detrimental effects of those
products
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.

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task achievement
Consider strengthening the examples to provide more concrete evidence. Drawing on specific studies or statistical data can add depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and introduces that idea clearly at the beginning. This will enhance the overall flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Work on expanding your conclusion slightly to reiterate the main points discussed in the essay. This will provide a stronger sense of closure.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the task and presents a logical argument with a clear stance.
coherence cohesion
There is a well-defined introduction and conclusion which frames the essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
Good use of linking phrases, such as 'Firstly' and 'Secondly,' to organize ideas and maintain flow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • chronic diseases
  • consumer behavior
  • public health policy
  • advertising bans
  • economic impact
  • personal responsibility
  • industry pushback
  • overconsumption
  • regulatory measures
  • health risks
  • dietary habits
  • preventive healthcare
  • marketing strategies
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • public awareness campaigns
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